Me: *Sniff sniff* What is THAT?

Him: It better not be dog pee

Me: *sniiiiiiiiiiffff* Doesn’t smell like dog pee

Upon closer examination, which required a nearby pillowcase and more sniffing, we realized it was “Personal Lubricant” It seems my kids are not the only ones with a deep desire to drink the Target brand generic Astro-Glide. One or more of our furry fiends chewed the top clean off the bottle. The resulting puddle was left waiting by the door. Had the puddle not glistened in the sun light, I’m sure I would have discovered the shenanigans through an arm wheeling, leg flailing, bone breaking dance. Now either the dogs (all 3 are boys) have turned into butt buddies or this stuff tastes better than chocolate cake. I’m not ready to grab a straw just yet, I think I’ll just keep using it for it’s intended purpose. Thank GOD we keep 2 or 3 bottles in general circulation - I hate to get caught high and dry……

It turned up as a search hit…Again. I plugged it into Google.. Guess what I’m #1 for ‘Quadraboob Photo’ now I know I’ve mentioned quadraboob action but never claimed to have said photos.. I could make BANK if I actually had a photo of it.

Walmart is like a rash around here in every form Sams, Walmart, Super, Walmart neighborhood market, etc. Well I’m in the neighborhood market happy as a pig in shit- organic milk is marked down to $2.58 a half gallon. Back to the point. I’m blissfully wheeling my screetchy rickety ass cart around when I spot a young boy with a wiiiiiiiiiide guilty grin and a rosey blush standing in the tooth care isle.

This kid looks to be 12 - TOPS. And if he is 12 he’s close to circus freak stature. There he stood in front of God, Sam Walton and me Crest Spin brushing his nads! His mom started walking towards him and he jumped about 10 feet, dropping both spinbrushes. He then way to loudly announced that he wanted a spin brush and put one back on the shelf. Someone is going to buy a spinbrush that was test driven on a preteen’s cod sack. His mom will be so proud at first… Little Jimmy is taking SUCH good care of his teeth! He’s in there with that spin brush 5 or 6 times a day. Then she’ll realize that the toothpaste isn’t getting used and that she is running low on hand lotion….

CHICAGO - An appeals court said a man can press a claim for emotional distress after learning a former lover had used his sperm to have a baby. But he can’t claim theft, the ruling said, because the sperm were hers to keep.

Well he was coaxed into expelling them, though I don’t think he was under duress to do so

Phillips accuses Dr. Sharon Irons of a “calculated, profound personal betrayal” after their affair six years ago, saying she secretly kept semen after they had oral sex, then used it to get pregnant.
He said he didn’t find out about the child for nearly two years, when Irons filed a paternity lawsuit. DNA tests confirmed Phillips was the father, the court papers state.
Phillips was ordered to pay about $800 (euro603) a month in child support, said Irons’ attorney, Enrico Mirabelli.

anyone else see a problem here? She got artificially inseminated with his sperm WITHOUT his consent… And then sues him for child support? I’ll take dumb ass bitches for $500 Alex…

“She asserts that when plaintiff ‘delivered’ his sperm, it was a gift - an absolute and irrevocable transfer of title to property from a donor to a donee,” the decision said. “There was no agreement that the original deposit would be returned upon request.”

So now are we going to have to start signing waivers to give head? Maybe I’ll just post a sign over my bed. “Deposits will NOT be returned”

Have you ever been scammed by someone online? A community I belong to is reeling from a recent incident. A scammer. It’s happened before, I’m sure it will happen again. One year a man scammed my pregnancy board. We were all due the same month and about 5 months along during xmas. This member was having a rough time as were several other ladies. We got a Christmas drive going and sent off packages with coupons for freebies,small toys, undies, socks and hairbows. A bit of essentials and a bit of fun. I was coordinating parts of it. I asked, begged really for people to black out the UPC codes to make it nearly impossible to return the items for $. We still were scammed. 2 of our ladies indeed were in need. The one however.. A kind gal who lived aprox 30 minutes from the scammer decided to drive a fruit basket over with some canned goods. She pulled up to a home worth hundreds of thousands of dollars… 2 nice cars in the driveway and a 50 something year old man washing one of the cars. She rolled down the window and inquired about our board member using the name provided to us. The guy dropped the hose and ran inside… we were officially scammed.. So have you ever been scammed online?

My kid laughs like The Count from Sesame Street…

Do you think it’s a sign the TV is on too much or maybe it’s just plain cute? It just seems so sadistic when she pokes me in the eye, makes the hurt sign (sign language touch your two pointer fingers tip to tip several times) and laughs like The Count “Ah Ah Ah Ah” She’s quite smart for 16 months old… Too smart perhaps Ah Ah Ah Ah…

I’m sure you all are just on pins and needles waiting for our banquet pictures (just nod and smile- humor me). My ultra cool and fabulouso friend, Melanie the hair stylist, was ultra cool fabulouso and kind enough to glam me up. She took me makeup shopping as the few pieces of makeup I own pre date the formation of the universe. Saturday she dolled me up- I forgot how hot I am!

Then girlfriend did my hair. She flat ironed me for that super sleek Vidal Sassoon look then, well see for yourself…

Rushing home, (45 minutes late) I took all of 5 minutes to throw on my Spankies, backless boob tray, dress and heels. A quick round of pictures

and we were speeding towards a drunken stupor.
The banquet was held at The Royal Pacific Hotel stunning, just stunning. There was a 55 minute outdoors cocktail reception. 2 bartenders + 200 people = head to the back of the line as soon as you get your drink. Everyone was under the impression that the drinks were limited to this reception, the mingling thus consisted of chatting up those in line with you. DH was throwing back Jack and Coke.. I ordered “Something fruity and hard” The wonderful bartenders were more than obliged to help me out. Suddenly a trumpeting blast broke through the party candor - we were called to dinner via a conch shell! Lounging in our seats the bars rolled inside with us. There was a collective drunken cheer and the bartenders took brief bows. A thunderous beat filled the hall and a fat man with man boobies started dancing. Three slim and beautiful girls followed behind him shaking it for all they were worth. 20 minutes of nearly nude hula entertainment had the crowd whipped into a frenzy. I was quietly trying to figure out where I could find a pair of DD coconut shells. Our table was all smiles when a 50 something woman who reminded me of Greg’s mother on Dharma and Greg broke the ice with a lewd comment about the floral center piece “I don’t know if I can eat with that clitoris looking flower pointed at my plate!” Drinks sprayed from noses, women went pale and tittered, DH and I laughed so hard we almost hit the floor. The ice was thus broken. Dinner started coming in waves. Shrimp dumplings, baby spinach and pear salad, Baked chicken with red curry sauce served with sides of sweet potatoes and tomato salad, and finally dessert - a chocolate cheese cake sort of thing. I could not identify it at first. It was too thin to appear as cheesecake, it resembled a triangular wedge of shit.. poopy brown shit with a berry glaze. Thankfully it was not poopy pie and tasted delish. Awards were handed out, speeches were long winded and everyone started losing their buzz. All in attendance were given passes to City Walk A quick tag sessions with DH and a change of clothes later, we were on our way by water taxi! We bought drinks and wandered around a bit before heading into The Groove. I got my groove on and danced danced danced. I was there with DH (no dancing skills) and 2 of his work buddies (also lacking skillz). It didn’t matter, I was in my own world. I danced so long and hard my whole body aches today. My feet are bruised and swollen. I now remember that dancing used to do what Paxil does for me now. A few nights a week dancing and I was pleasant. I forgot to take my Paxil before we left and after heading back to the hotel room I had a crabby episode. DH was 8 double Jacks and Coke in so he doesn’t remember me throwing him out of the bathroom. And my god for $250 a night one would expect a bathtub that a normal person’s ass can fit into. We savored what sleep we managed to sneak in. It was nice not waking up to screaming or a finger in my eye. The evening was wonderful, it was so nice to be me, not who my kids need me to be. I missed them but still stopped to have lunch before stepping back into reality. For all you voyeuristic fans of mine CLICK HERE to see more pics

Your lovely color,
A pleasing blue.
You offer me casters,
So I can wheel you.
Your mouth so wide,
My mop will fill.
I paid $13.97
Darling Husband will be ill.

Yes, I bought the mop bucket! A silly thing indeed, yet it brings me such pleasure. I have already threatened bodily harm to anyone who dares use it for a purpose other than mopping. I am having a true Stanley Spadowski moment. Once it passes I may need to head out to Spatula City, one can never own too many spatulas.

I la la la la love my dog. My big scary as heck white glowing pink bastard of a dog.
(Ding Dong) I beat back the hoard of animals and kids so I can swing open the door. Dozer’s nose is planted firmly between my butt cheeks as he tries to toss me aside. A strange man starts talking to me. I grab Dozer’s collar and let him lead me out the door. The man jumps back “WOAH!” and starts stumbling over his request. I’m squeezing Dozer between my legs and straining to hold his collar. The guy looks at me, looks at the dog, stutter stutters. I reply and he literally RUNS away. R_U_N_S with no delay. I la la la la la LOVE my big pink bastard.

There is mischief afoot next door. A world wide mover is hauling in boxes and crates. Loud Spanish is being tossed around and there is an army of people swarming over the boxes. The electricity has now been turned on.. I wonder who is moving in and how many are moving in?? They are parked all over the lawn - no big loss it is already dead.. Hey maybe they will paint the house - like the whole house. Currently the front of the house is painted and it sort of trails off around the corner.. Not that I should talk. The back of our house is bare block. We are picking colors and in the next 2 months we’ll be painted up. I’m just glad to see that the power is on. The previous squatters we think were swiping some wattage from out outdoor plugs, as well as water from our house. There were unusual spikes in BOTH bills…. HMMMMMMMM.

In other news, our shed passed final inspection. We will now be putting the dogs to work as beasts of burden. We’ll strap plywood and ladders to their backs, making them drag it all into the shed. Once the back addition is emptied we can take care of the nitpicky items and call for mechanical inspection. From there, drywall goes up and hole - ee shhhit, we might have a whole house to live in with in a few short months.

I’m heading out to get the cooperate dye job for my head. Going in a blazing wrong red head - emerging a subdued auburn. I’m sure I’ll have some stories upon my return from the salon and whatever trouble we find afterwards - gwad I love my hairdresser.