I think I’ve been infected by the Stepford Wives.. I’ve been dreaming of buying a new mop bucket. It’s a pleasing shade of blue on wheels. Nice and wide mouthed to fit our mop in - no jamming and cussing necessary! Its like $8 but somehow I feel it’s this big splurge.. Im giving more thought to this mop bucket then when we purchased our camcorder. Am I sick?

Yesterday I was cleaning out the cookbook shelf when my almost 3 year old comes running up to me calling “Butt, butt, Mommy. Butt!” She was pointing at something so my interest was piqued to say the least. She then presented me with a raunchy Hallmark card I had intended to give to my father in law but DH thwarted me before I could sign the card. The picture is two ladies walking on the beach. Men sitting on the beach are naturally ogling them in their bikinis. These must be simple folk because they were wearing thong bottomed bikinis.. Not in the traditional butt floss sense though. Instead, each lovely lady has a flipflop (ie thong) wedged in her butt crack. The one woman is saying “See, I told you they would notice our thongs” inside it reads “Just a little card to crack you up.” I’m a bit mortified my daughter found this but she’s too young to understand so I say “why yes, they are butts. All people have butts because everyone poops” She then proceeds to take off her flipflop and wedge it between her legs. She starts waddling in a circle like a constipated duck and laughing like a maniac. Thankfully she kept her pants on

Can I just say, Kid’s ROCK!!!! I about died trying not to laugh. I don’t want to encourage her too much as I still intend to give the card to dear old FIL. I cried from laughing so hard when trying to explain this all to Troy. Brother in law was visiting and he keeled over laughing too.

I had a longish drive today taking my youngest to the get shots. The morning, thick and foggy, called for subdued music. Dido went into the player and as I always do on a long drive, I went into heavy thought mode. A friend was wrestling with the decision to end a long-term friendship, asking if I could relate to her situation. I thought about that the whole drive. I never see Liz anymore these days, our lives on different paths, keeping us apart. My life doesn’t fit into hers and vice versa. Nevermind the distance and the lack of regular communication, Liz is forever my greatest friend. For the first couple of years our friendship suffered high school hardships. I wasn’t into the burnout scene, the rest of her friends were. She hated the theater crowd, I was always in the midst of some production. We came together on art. She helping me to overcome my gross lack of artistic self confidence, me talking about composition and striving towards your goals. Liz is a phenomenal photographer, her skills have blossomed and I hope she continues to keep it in her life despite her other career goals. She did my wedding photography CLICK HERE at the end of the post you’ll see a wedding pic. Whatever we have gone through and whatever is to come there is nothing that will blacken the place in my heart I hold for her. She could tell me to fuck off and never speak to me again (I would be crushed, shattered really) but that place would still be there. Liz was there for me when no one else could or wanted to be. My own mother didn’t have the strength to see me in so much pain. I called Liz and she came immediately. She walked out of a college class, didn’t even stop home for a toothbrush, and drove hours to be by my side. She held me up emotionally, argued with my insensitive health insurance to make sure I had a professional to talk to, arranged for someone to take me to the funeral, sat with me in the bathroom when I was too paranoid to pee alone, fed me, washed laundry, looked after my animals, the list is enormous…. This was when David killed himself CLICK HERE to read the archive on the incident. She took a picture of me the day I found David. I don’t like to look at it much. The clarity of the pain is almost to much to bear. There have been plenty of good times and fun times but this one act has forever affected who I am. Had she not picked me up that day, become my life perserver, I surely would have drowned in sorrow. She has enabled me to reach my hands out to someone drowning. Even if for just a brief moment, I know their pain and I am willing to shoulder it so they can breath. Thank you Liz for being the greatest influence in my life. I have to go now… There are tears spilling from my eyes.

Do you shower at your gym? DH, understandably, refuses to. He says there are always naked men wandering around thrusting forward their wrinkled old winkies in the men’s locker room. He refuses to even pee in there, convinced that some old dude might brush up against him while he’s standing at the urinal. It creeps him out the way they stand around, no clothing or towels to speak of, waxing intellectual about the war in Iraq and lawn bowling. The ladies locker room on the other hand is fairly modest. The worst I’ve seen is a butt verses granny panties battle - not pretty but not vomit inducing. The other day I mustered up the courage to shower there. I was excited about the prospect of a SHOWER instead of yet another bath (yep shower STILL isn’t done). The bright orange warnings posted made me a bit paranoid “Warning: cellphones now have the ability to take pictures. Take care that you are not unwontanly photographed. In the event it does occur please report it immediately to staff” Umm ok so do I run naked and screaming down the hall so they have a chance of catching the perve or do I get dressed and go tell them that he got away… I gathered up my change of clothes, Fashionista color protect shampoo, and courage. The shower spray was like being peed on but hey - it was a SHOWER! The water was actually warm too. Since I wouldn’t have to do the laundry I used 3 towels to dry off and wrap up my hair. I almost skied onto my butt when someone dropped something. I was convinced that someone was trying to take pictures of my naked ass. I threw on my clothes so fast my shirt was backwards. It was then I realized I had forgotten deodorant. Those that know me know I’m an anti BO freak. Often I carry deodorant around just incase I think I’m stinky… Alas that was in my purse AT HOME! I briefly contemplated kicking open some lockers in search of any deodorant I could find. I started opening unlocked lockers to see if anyone left some. I did see a stick but got a skeezy feeling at the thought of smearing someone else’s BO juice under my arms. Instead I collected my kids and sped home. The first thing I did was put on deodorant….

My house is filled with the most conflicting odors. My MIL, badge wearing member of Satan’s minions, is another year older. She does not realize how truely unpleasent she is. I feel bad that we didn’t call her for her birthday so i’m baking a cake. It’s a strawberry cake and it smells HEAVENLY!!! Some dog just pissed on the floor and DH used bleach to clean it up. My nose hairs are fried and my brain is hazy… Strawberry cake…. Bleach… Strawberry cake… Bleach… ARGHH!

Denny’s was a favorite late night highschool haunt (the drunk stranger quarter incident happened in a Denny’s). The air was always thick with sexuality and disdain, the tables always sticky with syrup and the chicken quesadilas brimming with beaks. Liz (my best friend) hates breakfast. Her typical breakfast is a Coke and a cigarette. On days she feels hungry she’ll order a cat pie at the local Wally world snack bar. Naturally she snubs Denny’s rocking breakfast fair for it’s substandard attempts at lunch and dinner items. She just wanted to know if the chicken was light or dark meat…. Our waiter’s first second nor 23rd language was English so Liz’s inquiry was rather perplexing to him… He just responded with “the whole chicken” We started giggling in our 16 yr old way and started quizzing him… “So everything? Do you pluck them first? ” To which he would just respond “the whole chicken!” … “So the beaks and feet and everything?”… “The whole chicken!”… Well I can tell ya the dude wasn’t lying. Liz dug into her meal and I into my delightful pile of pillowy scrambled eggs and hash brownie goodness. I ate about half of my plateful before discovering it… It was scaly and curled… OMG a chicken foot! We called the manager who picked it up and flung it into the kitchen “that was just an overcooked french fry …. Really”…. WTF? Why would he fling an overcooked french fry over the partition and into the kitchen - oh I know cause it was really a CHICKENFOOT! EWWWWWWWWWW! Even suckier - we didn’t get comped anything! No free meal, no discount even! So NEVER ask what part of the chicken they use.. I think the waiter wanted us to know he was serious….

“the whole chicken!”

(cue the beastie boys) I can’t stand it I know you planned it….

I HAD plans to go do lower body workout at the YMCA. DH was jealous so he hatched a plan. In a stunning, seemingly sweet move he offered to take Mira to the hardware store (this was done to lull me into a sense of complacency and general oooo ahh lovey feelings).. Somewhere along the way he veered off into Target and bought mini Hershey bars.. You know the fun size 4 variety packs… Special darks….mmmmm …. Mr Goodbar….. (drool)…. Hershey’s……. Krackle…. OHHHHHHH. Suddenly I found myself elbow deep stuffing my face with mini Hershey bars and waving goodbye to DH who just took off for the YMCA. Later when I complain about not getting a workout he’ll whip his wee willy out of his pants and say “Time for some cardio and a lotion rub down” I’ll probably fall for it too… He IS an evil genius

This time next year there will be an onslot of senior personal adds. 90 year old men looking for some “hot horny lovin- walkers are optional, oxygen tank a must” Medicare will be covering Viagra and other erectile disfunction drugs starting in 2006. Article HERE Am I the only one bothered by this? My tax money will now be appropriated to pay for old man hard ons. I wonder if the number of heart attacks will sky rocket now that the senior set will no longer be permeated with one pump chumps. Now when you go home to visit your aging parents you can settle into slumber listening to the squeak squeak of the springs, just like when you were 5. Only this time, you’re helping pay for it! My favorite tidbit from the article:

“If we are going to be paying for Viagra now, sooner or later we will be paying for other recreational drugs. This only reinforces my belief that this will be far more expensive than any of the projections we saw before passage. Congress should revisit this before the genie is completely out of the bottle.”

euphemism much? I think I need to hurl

Can you find the hidden picture in THIS

It’s not my most stunning work but i enjoyed doing it. It was done to match my daughter’s nursey in our old house. Anyone? Anyone? Do you see the hidden image?

Today already felt a bit bleak but we are in a new month so I did my monthly click of this site I try to send a card and some words of encouragement every month. Since starting my antidepressants I have avoided the website, knowing that it breaks my heart. Normally I feel bad but can eke out some words and let the families know that their kids are in our prayers… I just can’t stop bawling right now. There is a little girl on there a bit older than Mira… All that she has been through. Geeze! If you are more mentally stabile than I am right now, please send a card of encouragement to one of these kids and their parents. I have got to go hug my girls…… They need to make an E chip for computers.. something to block out emotional sites that will make me wail like a dying cat.