“Give till it hurts” mixed media collage

“The Bread is the Body” collage over acrylic

The doctor confirmed it today and I’m scared shitless. I lose babies. I’m only 5 weeks… 7 more weeks in the serious danger zone (for me at least). Please pray that things go smoothly and quickly

I’m so excited that Im scared. We weren’t trying but it is joyous news… i hope I didn’t just jinx myself by telling you all

(ps this is being archived in the wrong month to hide it off of the main page, those who are interested enough to click through will know, please leave your comments on the main page post)

I stumbled across a blog on Blog Explosion Rocket called “Bumblebee Sweet Potato” alas blog explosion sucks and I have no addy. That aside, written there is a devastatingly beautiful and sorrowful account of pivotal moment in her life as a parent. 9/11 and pregnant in the wake she miscarried and while the nation mourned a great loss she had her own more private mourning to do. This particularly struck a chord with me as I have suffered multiple miscarriages and know the depths of sorrow. The feeling of losing a tangible dream. It was so close, growing inside you, changing your body. You start to plan and dream as soon as that second line shows up on that damn stick. You find yourself cradling your belly, even before it rounds. Whispering in quiet moments all your hopes and dreams, tiny I love yous and then you find blood… Spotty at first then gushing. You can’t stop it and you soon find out neither can the doctor. On the morning of 9/11 I sat in the office of the OB/GYN praying for a heartbeat. That morning I sat clutching my husbands hand and we trembled together. Then the radio suddenly snapped on in the waiting room, news of the first plane striking the towers… We were dumb founded. We sat listening to the blow by blow of what happened. Our mouths hung open and everyone was talking in the waiting room, trying to get the facts straight, trying to comprehend what had just happened, and then they called us back. There on the screen was a heartbeat. This child that no one could believe existed was strong and growing. This baby that came unexpectedly on the heels of a painful twin miscarriage, this baby that had no time to be conceived, looked perfectly formed. I wept with joy and walked out into the world and mourned with my fellow Americans.