Have you ever had a stalker? 
I’ve mentioned before my brief flirtation with stalker danger (it all ended badly with him wacking off in my bathroom with my body lotion - shudder). The kind of stalker I want to know about is the kind that wants to BE you. My mother had one. She was married to my father’s only friend. Since my father hates people having even 1 friend was a huge deal so my mother put up with this man’s wife. She was nice enough at first, a bit on the manic side but nice. Then she got creepy and would say things like “I wish I lived here” or “it must be so cool having a mom like yours” Mind you she is the same age as my mom… Weirdness. Over the years it got stranger. She bought a house in my parents neighborhood, started telling people she was my mom’s best friend, asking if she could have my parent’s cockatoo, trying to make friends with the folks my mom hung out with… etc etc. One fated Christmas her nuttiness boiled over. My mom had just wallpapered the bathroom and everyone was ooing and ahhing over the lovely choice of paper. As the evening progressed my mom went to us the wallpapered restroom as the others were occupied (turkey and the fixings will do that to ya). As she sat on the toilet admiring her handi work she noticed the wall paper was off looking in the corner. Upon closer inspection someone had shredded it! It was coming off the wall in sharp curls and the wall beneath it was all slashed up to, someone had gone to town… Raging my mother held back tears. On her way to the bathroom she had passed the nutcase in the hallway with scissors. My mother came tearing out of the bathroom and confronted nutty mcsquirrel who stuttered denial and then in a bold and sad move blamed the scissors on one of her own children! My mother took the little girl aside and spoke with her, coming to the conclusion that she had not been the vandal - she had an alibi. After that Christmas my mother put her foot down, we no longer had to deal with her royal kookiness. Not long after this incident Nutty was in the paper. Her car had been broken into and $500 of household items she had bought for victims of a fire had been stolen. Walmart replaced everything… Two weeks later she was in the paper again… She pulled the SAME scam at Target and Target replaced everything… How about you, ever have an admirer that went a little too far?
Peep the parakeet, so named by my older daughter for his penchant for peeping, has an interesting story. My husband called one day saying he had a surprise for me. I was pregnant and hungry all the time so I took this to mean he was bringing me home a Milky Way bar or some other chocolate yummy treat. Nay, it was no chocolate bar, or chocolate covered fruit, or milk shake or anything I would consider edible. He comes home and hands me a super big gulp cup..
me : Oh gee honey… That IS a surprise… Don’t we have 40 of these already?
him: I hope not because that’s a lot of poop
me: (ultra confused) huh?
he takes off the lid and from inside a filthy poop encrusted cup spills the tiniest frailest parakeet I’ve ever seen. Said parakeet immediately tries to maul my hand in a vicious manner but due to his size is nothing short of hilarious.
Apparently while running his route my husband spotted Peep running through the streets of a neighborhood. How my husband spotted a 6 inch shock of yellow green from waaaaay up in his van, I will never know. My husband is the type to stop dead in the middle of the road to help a turtle cross the street and we both drag home injured animals often enough. Apparently Peep doesn’t know help from hell so he ran like a flightless hobo into the nearest rose bush cutting himself to ribbons and thus ensuring that The Hubster would be shredded too. Peep has been with us ever since, quite content to rest in his cage, singing and bitching. His wings have grown in now but he still perfers sweet sweet confinment to the perils of freedom.
Tomorrow marks our first year in this house, today I took a shower. The significance of this may seem so small to many but one year ago there were no walls in the shower. They were demoed and during the process live roaches came spilling from the walls too. One year ago we were first relegated to baths only and then for a short period of time, yard showers.
Yard showers are interesting. I always loved visiting The Outter Banks because the rental houses were all equipped with wooden outdoor showers. Despite the wooden enclosure you felt free showing and communing with nature. The slight danger of someone seeing you through the slats was thrilling. Yard showers are a different story. You wait until darkness falls, lest the new neighbors see you. You wear a huge baggy shirt and some panties. Cowering behind metal closet doors you suds yourself and the aforementioned clothing up. Rinsing was a trick because with yard showers it is either freezing cold from the hose or boiling hot directly from the water heater. In either event you have to bank the spray off of something to allow it some time to come to an acceptable temperature. Usually we’d use in upturned 5 gallon bucket. Then we would sneak into the house, wrapped in blankets and wringing wet clothes, find a room that had curtains and strip down. Wet clothes went directly into the wash - no soap though, there was usually plenty left to suds.
Tomorrow it’s been one year and today I took a shower. Progress is being made. Snails pace or not, changes are coming. Some day soon I might have a closet to put my clothes in and a masterbedroom. Hell, maybe by this time next year I can shower in my own Master bathroom.
I started taking new vitamins in the hopes of pepping up. The Hubster found me some great vitamins
They work well, too well. I usually take my vitamins at night but these tend to keep me awake if I do. I’ve noticed some other effects - some good and others weird. For instance, every time I pee I start singing “It’s Electric, boogie oogie oggie” No, The Vitamins aren’t effecting the disco receptors in my brain they are making me piss electric yellow.
Can you believe the depth and clarity of the color? It’s mind boggling. The last time I peed that color I was 10 and had downed a 12 pack of Hi-C Ecto cooler.
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And now I bring you a quality rant brought to you by the slack ass folks at TG Lee milk. The Hubster starts whining about needing milk while I had this hangover-esq headache from crashing after a pasta lunch (never again). He pulls into a spot at the grocery store and I proceed to snap his head off and order him to drive home “right fucking now!” In my haze I promised to get him milk after I’ve had some dinner - mistake #1. While at home we snarf some hotdogs and I go lay down because my head wants to explode like a landmine. During my half asleep stupor The Hubster’s dad calls and needs The Hubster to go look at something - fine the grocery stores open till 10 - no problem - Mistake #2. Hubster is unable to return until almost 10 and starts in about the milk situation again. I head to the store only I have to drive 15 minutes out of the way to get to the store that is still open. I buy my milk, some hair stuff for hubby, organic bananas and some chicken..blah blah. When I get home and bring my haul inside I realize the bag holding the milk is wet… hmmm. Upon further exploration I discover it is FULL OF MILK! What the fuck? The TG LEE, which is paid EXTRA $$ for had a defect in the jug where the bottom was paper thin everywhere except one side where all the plastic had pooled. GRR this is the 2nd time this has happened and they are going to get one nasty phone call from me today. After I put what was left of the milk into a pitcher The Hubster pours himself a nice tall glass and starts freaking out because there is “something black in it.” He STRAINS, yes STRAINS the milk to discover a dark brown cluster and is about to pour the whole thing of milk out when I remember that the cup he pulled from the dishwashed had leftover Oreo sludge (from him of course) when I put it in there. So The Hubster was almost deballed last night for A)making me go out and get milk at 1015pm and B) For then threatening to pour said milk out at 11pm.
Presentstorms tagged with with this meme and I’ve decided what the heck, why not.
!0 things that I love:
1 the beach
2 driving nowhere, just driving or riding,holding hands, and talking. It’s easier to be open when one persons eyes must be on the road at all times
3 chocolate or ice cream or maybe chocolate in my ice cream - MMMMMMM
4 nice arms (1st thing I noticed about hubby)
5 the smell of oil pastels, oil bars, and other art supplies
6 sunlight
7 creating
8 my kids laughing
9 popping zits - oh yeah, I love it I must admit
10 swing dancing, I haven’t been in forever but I love it
10 things that make me run screaming for the hills:
1 Body odor - gack no thanks, not even my own
2 Finding someone else’s friends in the pool when I wander in to the bathroom
3 screaming/yelling makes my intestines spasm though I am still learning not to yell
4 nails on a chalk board and other similar sounds
5 goosebumps
6 avocados
7 vomit - I’m a sympathy puker, nuff said
8 getting sand in my soft spots and crevices
9 beer breath
10 needles, got goosebumps just typing that so now I’m REALLY pissed off
Instead of tagging people I’d love if you’d leave me a comment with one of what you love and one of what drives you nuts. I had a post about pissing all ready but you’ll have to wait (I know now you are all going nuts wondering what i’m up too).
1st off,a bitchy rant….
This stuff sucks so hardcore I can’t be bothered to edit the picture. Typically I enjoy frozen yogurt - I know I’m just weird like that. This stuff is CRAP. I am so angry that I dropped $4. I can’t bring myself to pitch it out so it’s haunting my fridge. I nibble on it in desperation, cussing the whole time about how craptacular it tastes. Maybe it will make me HATE ice cream or anything frosty and I’ll lose 10 lbs - that’s the only way I’ll EVER like it. Bah, I’m getting the pukey dry heaves just thinking about how gross it tastes. How the chocolate flavor is totally compromised and tastes like carob - you know FAKE chocolate - bleck! WHY WHY WHY??
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My latest piece of artwork. Mermaid is a 18 x 24 multimedia collage. Nevermind the light circles, I forgot to photograph her until after I framed her - oops. Yeah shut up I KNOW.
Today we have become a 4 dog house hold. Yes, my husband’s sister and her family are on vacation and we are pup sitting yet again. Mayhem has been the catch phrase of the day. Below is a picture of Pickles. What you can’t tell is that he is kevetching at my husband who is telling him to shut his furry yap.
and here is a pic of sis in law’s dog Bonnie
She’s cute but totally freaked out because her family disappeared. She apparently sleeps in the bed - this ought to be fun 2 adults and a dog in a full sized bed - yikes!
Bread is great. Baking bread is what got me through my second pregnancy. Beating the hell out of the dough… Err kneading the dough. That fresh smell as it bakes up in the oven - oh yeah. These days I just don’t have the time I did then so I’ve started using RAPID RISE yeast. I used to think it was cheating, but I’ve gotten over that. Pictured below is a recent loaf of fresh baked Challah. You should scoot on over to my recipe blog Fidget’s Fixins if you want the recipe.
