Yes folks, it’s true - my boobs are big. Last HNT I posted a cute shot of my girls trying out Mama’s over the shoulder boulder holder. Many were amazed at how large the bra looked. My kids are no shrimps, they are both in the 90% for height for their ages. I can safely proclaim it was not some illusion, merely a case of boobiesus gigantus. Proof? You want proof you say? We’ll here’s me with my noggin fully encased in it’s supportive goodness. You know I must REALLY like you folks to do this. It embarrasses me to no end when someone feels the need to wear my bra as a hat. Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday!

Yesterday I had the super funtastic task of going to the dentist… To have cavities filled… weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Today I have the fan-diddley-tastic privilege of returning to have even more cavities filled. In total I have 8 cavities that need attention. I brush I swear! As you can guess I’m in a fan-freakin-tastic mood. I need to be cheered up.
YOU, yes YOU can help cheer me up. There is this MEME floating around. It’s not your typical what are your 3 favorite things to stick up you butt kind of MEME. All it requires me to do is ask you to make up a memory or some time we had together that rocked. Remember that concert that never was? Or the time I smashed your car? I don’t either so tell me about it!

My darling Hubster is home this week so I’m sure you’ll grow weary of my tales. Yesterday I went shopping. After spending a craptacular afternoon with off-shoots of his family I was crabby and depressed. Oh my the videos need to be returned and we need groceries… While I’m out I think I’ll go peek in the store for some long sleeve shirts… TATA! Zoom I was gone. Found myself 3 sweater shirt type things along with a stunning pair of moose PJs. Once I made it home and had tucked the groceries away I modeled my finds. The first thing I put on is a lovely tight black sweater with a pink and white diamond pattern across the chest and at each wrist. I thought I looked hot and the bargain I got astounded me - $20 marked down from $85! The first thing he says is “It looks like you have 3 boobs!” Tears spring up in my eyes and I turn to flee down the hall - WTF????? He grabs me and is laughing!!!! What is WRONG with you? ….. “Babe that sweater looks so hot I went crossed eyed ogling you and it made it look like you have 3 boobs!”

ARGHHHHH

Later when I put on my Moose PJs The Hubster looks at me lovingly, walks towards me with open arms and proclaims “I can see your nipples”

I got a dandy package in the mail. Amongst the gifts was a mud pack facial. The Hubster kept staring at the package and I figured he was a little freaked out that the woman’s face was blue.. Nope wrong

babe.. You keep staring at that, what the heck?

it looks like someone took a dump on her face.. I mean the blue mask is weird enough but look.. It looks like someone wiped their ass with leaves and artfully arranged it over her eyes

(insert image of me shooting French onion soup out my nose)

~*~*~*~*

Ok so we are going to have a bit of a TMI fest - too much information… Beware. I’m a little late this cycle and we had an ut oh this past month. Eh no biggie we want more kids. Well, I had to have a back Xray done due to my gymnastic aspirations gone awry. Luckily nothing is broken or fractured.. Just just sprained my spine. Sitting in front of the computer it occurred to me that I AM late… hmm and I just had an xray with no ovary defending lead shield due to the area of my back in question being located directly behind said ovaries.. rut roh. I have a pregnancy test on hand so I run off to pee on a stick. I see two lines.. Oh my FUCKING god.. No no no.. I just had an XRAY, a baby mutilating XRAY. I look in the box for another test.. I want to be sure! My hands are shaking so badly that I’m having to claw at the box. I drop it on the floor with the graphic facing up… DUH every test gets two lines.. Its if you get a 3rd line.. Like one window forms a plus sign and the other control window appears too - THEN its positive. I hold my breath for 3 more minutes praying that I didn’t just deform some potential baby Fidget by having my insides irradiated… Whew, no line… Just me… Acting like a dumbass yet again.

In other news Mama K has signed on for fun and mayhem. Give her a clicky clicky over at the top of the side bar and enjoy. She’ll make you laugh, she’ll make you cry, she might make you seize from the dazzling light display on her header. Today her poignant post had me bawling.

No two things in my life have brought me so much strife and envious attention all at the same time. No, I am not referring to my darling children but rather my breasts. Yes, they are large. At one point they were so large I had to mail order my boulder holders in a size EE otherwise known as an H. Thankfully they have since receded to a size I can purchase in stores as long as I am up for some hunting. In the fourth grade I started developing and by 5th grade my mother was enforcing daily bra wearing. I was the victim of endless snapping by the boys and the envious hate of all the girls. Once I surpassed a C cup they became a burden. Something that attracted sleeze bags and invited rude behavior. Heck I even had one pin headed girl stick her head in an empty bra and run around my apartment complex yelling about how huge my knockers are. Sure they have come in handy… Free drinks, getting into clubs, making people more willing to help me out… But along with that power comes a burden - the dark side. I know it too well and because of this I fear for my children’s future. Thus far the big boobie gene has skipped a generation. My grandmother inherited it from her grandmother. I’m hoping my girls give it to their kids instead of saddling my husband with the heart attack inducing job of protecting them from would be honkers, grabbers, and snappers. The other day their teen years flashed before my eyes and I said this prayer up to God
Are you there God? It’s me Margaret.. Oh no wait that’s a Judy Blum novel.. What I really did was hope that my heart didn’t explode, waved my fist angrily in the air and hollered “It better skip a generation buddy!”

I am in pain, pain I say! Let me preface this story with a little background info. I used to teach childrens’ gymnastics. Yes 5ft 11in ME was teaching kids to backflip and balance beam. It was actually one of my more beloved jobs. I got paid, in essence, to play. I was the only teacher they had leading by example. If my kids were up on the trampoline, I was on the one next to them doing the same moves. They even had to remove some ceiling tiles above the tramps b/c I am so tall and would knock the tiles out with my noggin. I kept this job for 2 years at one gym and a few months at another one. It kept me in kick booty shape. As you may have guessed from my ranting, I am NOT in the best shape right now.
Yesterday I took my kids to the park. We were the only people there. A lovely day with a blue sky that stretched before us endlessly with a gentle breeze softening the heat of the sun, perfect. We ran, we played, we shrieked, we slid, we swing, we had a blast. While climbing I noticed that the monkey bars were quite high, high enough for me to grab on and dangle (Here’s where the dumbass light bulb flickers on).
In gymnastics you have this set up, maybe you’ve heard of it - the uneven bars. You swing from bar to bar, casting off and flipping and such. Now I could never flip or perform a soul circle (the low bar was too low and with the necessary crash mat my butt wouldn’t clear the floor), but I could cast and kick off.
Hmmm, I wonder if I can still swing and cast to a landing? I straightened my body, and began swinging like I had taught my students. Oye vey how my muscles screamed. Ignoring them and my better judgment I worked myself into a great momentum. As I tightened my muscles to leave the bar and land on my feet I felt the bar rock a bit. This unforeseen bending/rocking motion that signaled I was far to much of a fat ass to be doing this loosened my grasp at the crutial moment that makes or breaks your landing. As I soared through the air, knowing this would hurt, I thought to myself “Gee shouldn’t I have seen an injury coming from a mile away?” My two feet hit the ground, a perfect landing? No, no, no while I may have kept some points for landing two feet together I surely would have lost the gold for the lower case “n” shape that my body was forming. I was practically in a full back bend with my vertebra screaming in pain. I windmilled my hands till I had my balance and bent forward, resting my nose on my knees. There I stood, seemingly frozen in a yoga sun salutation series, wondering if I would ever stand upright again.
I studied the ground. The pebbly texture of the rubber playmat helped to distract me from the blazing embarrassment creeping up my cheeks. Finally I slowly stood upright, still no one around. My pride could remain in tact. So when I see the chiropractor later this week, I’ll just let him believe this is all due to picking up the kids too often and not due to me and some gymnastic jackassery

The grocery shopping HAD to be done. Outside of the delish rainbow cookies I’d just made

there wasn’t much more than an echo in our fridge. We tucked the kiddos in bed and I headed out. Dropped off the movies, picked up two more - everything is fine and dandy. I hit the supermarket, easy peasy. The place is practically empty and I was able to shop unfettered by others. No wait at the deli, alie oop the bananas in the cart. Gosh, so smoothly I wanted to click my heels. The only clicking was my ignition. 9:34 at night and my car won’t turn over, hell it won’t even pretend to try. I call my husband’s cell… No answer. I call the house… Ring… Ring… Ring… Like 9 freakin’ times.. Where the hell is my answering machine? Never mind he FINALLY picks up. I give him a quick run down and he says “I’ll call you back” Ok not a problem, he’s probably calling his Dad who’s a part time tow truck driver. The Final jeopardy music starts playing in my head - I am not amused. The seconds tick by and I stare at my phone… Nothing…. Nothing… And still nothing. I can hear my heartbeat in my ears… This is just what some sicko is waiting for. Some poor stranded 20 something with Tofutti Cuties melting in her car, desperate to get home and hide in her red flannel sheets. The parking lot is emptying quick, the store closes in 15 minutes… A white work truck starts circling the lot like a vulture, waiting for it’s prey to take it’s last gasping breath. As its creeps by me, the driver turns to stare. I avert my gaze, choosing to read the spray painted sign tied to his ladder carrier “Home Broke? We gots parts” We gots? My life might be ended tonight by some back woods, toothless, shyster who doesn’t even have a basic grasp of the English language? I could beg for my life and unless I throw in a few ain’t, gots, and something about beer, it would all be Greek to him. By this point I’m wishing I had purchased some Xanax laced cupcakes or a tazer gun. Tick… Tick… Tick. FINALLY, my cell phone rings. “Get out of the car and prop your hood up babe, one of my dad’s friends is swinging by with his tow truck to give you a jump”… “That’s great, but there is no way I’m getting out of this car to be murdered minutes before my rescue” I make him stay on the phone, somehow he’s not grasping the pressing fear I feel. That white truck still circling, slowly, is making my voice tremble. Salvation arrives, I hang up and hop out to raise my hood.

My best friend Liz rolled into town. We’ve known each other since high school. She’s pursuing a masters degree but took time off this semester to go on tour with a band. Sounds crazy eh? She happened to have all the stars align for her and was able to seize the opportunity. When the show rolled into my town, you know I had to get in on the fun! The band?
SNMNMNM (click here). To show my support I decided I could feed the band.. Sure why not? I whipped up 2 huge pans of cheese enchiladas, a pot of ginger lentil barley stew and a chocolate cake. A big white van rolled up into my drive way and out spilled the Revenge of the Nerd tour.. No really, I’m not being mean or glib… That’s the name of the tour. Once well stuffed they had to skidaddle downtown to set up for the show. I soon followed and had a BLAST! The idea of a rock-ish kind of band with a tuba and an accordion was a little disconcerting but boy howdy, they are awesome! I particularly enjoyed the song “Spanish Cucumber” Who knew you could hook a tuba up to a distortion peddle? News to me. So why should you trust me and go see these guys if you are lucky enough to live near one of the remaining tour dates (check their website for exact times and locals) ? Well you could just say you are going there to see MC Chris of Adult Swim fame
quote from snmnmnm website:
SNMNMNM is currently on The Revenge Of The Nerd Tour , a two-month national tour, as direct support for comedic rapper, MC Chris, of Adult Swim fame. The Revenge Of The Nerd Tour, is the brainchild of MC Chris himself and he hand picked SNMNMNM as his support. MC Chris has lent his vocal talents to several cartoon characters and was featured in the TIME magazine’s op-ed “The Geeks Shall Inherit Thee Earth.” For SNMNMNM, a band who refuses to believe that a tuba and accordion can’t rock, this is the perfect pairing.
In any event, if you make it to a show, tell the cute merch girl that her best friend sent you.
the following picture was thieved from Liz’s website and posted without her knowledge BOOYEAH!

Welcome one, welcome all to Half Nekkid Thursday. This week’s episode will be a dramatic reenactment of my shower this weekend.
(Sniff, sniff) Whhhhoooo WEEE I smell worse than a dog that done rolled in a dead possum, I best hop in the shower. (turns on shower, cue cheesey 70’s porn movie music) bom chicka bom bom booooooow, bom chicka bom bom boooow
Oh yeah, nice and steamy

(assorted scrubbing, fondling and singing)
Hmm, me thinks my hair might need a scrub a dubbing too

OH SHIT, OH MY GOD, Holy fucking hell fires! What the duce was that???
(insert wussy dancing, hand flapping, & squealing)

Terrified I flee the bathroom, naked as a newborn and hyperventilating. Something SLIMY had touched my hand. Nay, not touched, LUNGED at my hand. I knew it was nothing from the mold family. I had just spent an hour sterilizing and scrubbing every surface in the bathroom. No, not mold, something much more sinister. When I felt brave enough to return, I came ready. Wielding a camera in one hand a bamboo skewer in the I went to take back my bathroom. With much poking and prodding I discovered the “slimy thing”

HOW did this vile thing end up in my shower? My bathroom is windowless and any journey from the doors would be a perilous one fraught with dogs and children. In any event I gathered my courage and a few plastic cups. I corralled the bugger er um frogger,

took a brief moment to prove to my kids that mommy ain’t afraid of no stinkin frog, and then flung him out into the back yard. Happy HNT, if I wind up with any warts, I’ll post em next week..