What is the obsession with porking farm animals? I guess one could be enamored or jealous of the size of a horse dong but beyond that I can’t even fathom the appeal. And, if you are a lonely sheep farmer who has resorted to violating your flock but you have internet connection why would you look up similar images, why not look for hot nude babes? Have you fallen so far into the wool that you can’t find a flesh boob more attractive than a teat? But I digress, this post is not about horse dongs or sheep teats, it’s about men, men having sex with chickens. My latest hits show a disturbing trend. Over the last few weeks I’ve been garnering hits from searches such as:

* men fucking chickens
* sexy chickens
* men fucking dogs chickens
* how to have sex with a chicken

note none of the above are about the scientific “how” of chicken on chicken procreation, nope it’s all about how to violate a chicken’s egg vent (ewwww egg vent). What is wrong with people? WHY god WHY would one be seeking a “Chicken Fucking for Dummies” tutorial? I guess if you are going to do something you want to make sure you are doing it right. Not having any chicken violation know how, the only advice I can offer to the chicken fucker wanna-be’s that land here is “Keep your pecker clear of the beak”

On a happier and more family oriented note please visit my renter over at Motherhood Uncensored. She’s so freakin cool she’s a regular on my blogroll. Yes, look, that’s her at the top of my side bar, give her a click, you won’t regret it. She always offers a great perspective on life. CLICK CLICK CLICK!

Yes, it’s true. I had thought it was merely his sheltered upbringing but I think it’s safe to say that time my mother dropped him on his head.. yep ruined him for LIFE (really she did drop him on his head, in the supermarket no less with many many witnesses). The Hubster and I gathered up our kid kinfolk and went for CiCi’s pizza buffet, one of the few places where there is something we will all eat, no looong wait and no one even notices if one of the kids throw a temper tantrum. I’m happily shoveling spinach white cheese pizza in my face when my cellphone starts ring-a-linging. I see the caller ID and think “why the hell is he calling me now?”

” Hello “
” um, hey I was wondering if you are coming home soon “
” No, we’re eating…. Why, don’t you have work?”
” Yes, yes I do and I’m locked in my room “
(me choking, snorting and hoarking pizza)” You’re WHAT??”
“When Mira pulled the door closed she also locked me in” (ok the lock is backwards on his door but HELLO 19 year old can’t figure out how to A)pop the lock or B)climb out the window.

I tell him to climb out the window and go around to the front. I think this is enough but no… He DID manage to climb out the window after bending the screen (damn it) and get back into the house… But THEN when it came time to leave for work the dumbass couldn’t get out the front door. My brother, the simple minded idiot, pushed and pushed and pushed but could not get that door to budge. It was much like that Far Side comic where the gifted kid is pushing a door that says pull.. My front door opens inward… He CAME IN THAT VERY DOOR after climbing out the window.. It opened inward that time just like every other time. It took him over 15 minutes to figure out how to leave the house.. And get this, NOT by exiting the FRONT DOOR! He had to climb over piles of stuff in the unfinished portion of the house to exit through a side door. Somehow he figured out that the side door opened in. Sheesh, I have to teach this kid to be responsible with money and make good life decisions and he can’t even reliably operate a standard front door?

…and I have a paper obsession. It’s true, I really do. I have hundreds of sheets of scrapbook and handmade papers, hundreds. I use them for scrapbooking, for my collages, to mount photos and prints for hanging, to make cards, to inspire… I’m a sucker for paper. Typically they run 59 cents to 3.99 a sheet depending on what I get. That means I have hundreds of dollars in paper. If thieves came to my house to clean me out, one would hope that they not recognize the true worth of my paper stash. Both of our TVs are cast offs, our stereo was a gift, the DVD was bought by us but really only $200… Really there is not much of hefty monetary value but if you look at my art supplies there it is. Hundreds of dollars in paper alone… I think I’m insane. I just spent another $14 on paper today. I’m in the planning stages of an altered book, the papers caught my eye through the store windows and I could not be denied. Melissa and I were walking towards the exits, I had to say goodbye there. I could not make myself leave without perusing the paper selection, caressing the pages, running my fingers over the embossed ones, breathing softly on the transparencies so that my breath lightly fogged the surface. You know it’s not just paper it’s whatever my medium of the moment is. Get me around Oil Bars and I turn into a sentimental fool. The smell, oh the smell. Memories flood me, I can feel the oil bars slick on my fingers. That smell is color to me. That smell is late nights, driven creation. It’s the smell of all my daemons being poured onto paper… oh but paper.. paper is so lovely.

Tomorrow is a blog first, we have a blogger playdate with Melissa over at Life and other stuff Melissa is on journey with her son similar to mine with Mira. It’s been reassuring getting to talk to someone who understands and someone who doesn’t mind hearing 1 thing repeated 573 times in the background of our conversations, my own mother hangs up with me when that starts happening.

Thanks for all the kindly comments on this week’s HNT. Just an FYI the little painting cutie is actually Tessa. Mira is much taller. This is what Mira was doing while Tessa was “helping”

Exciting things happening around here, the porch is nearly done! This Half Nekkid Thursday I wanted to salute The Hubster who made so much of this possible.

Of course we also utilized slave labor and I guess they should get a little recognition too. However I know you don’t want to see my lil brother’s ugly mug so here’s the cutest of our slave labor crew:

Happy Half Nekkid Thursday everyone and if you have a moment click on my renter. She’s got a pretty cool blog and often runs contests that you can win actual prizes (woot!).

PS: If any of you are dealing with kids who have been diagnosed with ADD or an autism spectrum disorder please read my post below and maybe leave me some advice or encouragement - THANKS!

The title sounds so promising doesn’t it? It’s a lie a blatant lie. I have nothing witty to say. I find that the more stressed I am the less I have to say. It’s all jumbled in my brain with no articulate way out. It’s more like explosive diarrhea - one moment you feel sick and suddenly, sometimes without warning, you erupt. Your insides may feel better but anyone present is stunned and disgusted.

Why am I so stressed? Well a number of things. My biggest stresser is Mira. Her speech teach and I both think she needs more help. She’s recommending her for the county’s specialized preschool, now we have to get the preschool teacher to agree. It first glance it doesn’t seem like it should be hard. She had obvious problems with echolalia , which drive many people crazy and even wear on her speech teacher who sees her 1 hour a week! Mira can not always comprehend an appropriate response to simple questions so she’s merely echoes the question. She has trouble waiting her turn, being attentive, talking out of turn, she’s highly particular about how things are done - she can only understand things being done one way. If there is a traffic detour she howls like a banshee, convinced that the world will end because we had to take a few lefts instead of going how we always do. Her inflexibility spills over in many areas. She also compulsively lines things up in rows, has odd fears (she is not afraid of the dark when it’s time to sleep but if we have to pass through an area of dimmed lights she panics), wets herself and is content to walk around wet and reeking of urine (she in fact will argue that she has not wet herself even when she’s filled her shoes with it), obvious speech issues (some of which are being addressed in speech - this has helped tremendously).. Anyways there are a whole host of issues. She’s not as bad off as other kids so I worry that they’ll decide she’s not delayed enough to receive help now. I’d rather get her help NOW so that as she transitions into Elementary school she may be able to be main streamed. The problem? We toured the PreK class and there is 1 girl… 1 that is it. When I asked the speech teacher about this she said it seems that it’s harder to get girls into the programs and that this is the first year that she has had a nearly even split between boys and girls in speech (she has been teaching speech therapy for YEARS). IN addition to trying to get her into the special preK program We have to get a diagnosis, figure out what animal we are dealing with - this is expensive as educational testing if often not covered by insurance and the county will NOT test for anything that is suspected to be ADD or anything on the autism spectrum. My therapist had the Hubster and I fill out a special questionnaire about her behavior, he’ll plot the results on some fancy smanchy graph in hope that it will point us to the proper direction. Those test results could mean the difference between seeing a developmental pediatrician or a neurologist.

The rest of the stress is my own doing - the house, my brother, etc etc. I’ve been mooning over a dog at the pound. I want him SO BADLY but the Hubster says NO. I can understand why, we just dropped so much money on our 2 and the last 2 foster dogs we’ve had have been atrociously behaved as well as hard to deal with. But Zeke, oh lovely sweet simple Zeke, he’s a Great Dane mix with a blue/grey brindled coat and shockingly blue eyes.. I hope he’s been adopted

If we win the lottery I’m blowing my load in your every day. - The Hubster on how winning the lottery would improve not only life in general but our sex lives. His plan is to hire a nanny….

~~~~

Alas we did not win the $50 million jackpot, instead we had an erection shriveling experience. The dog was shut out of our room and he started whinnying and bellowing like a depressed wookie. My brother, in his infinite wisdom, decided the only way to end said noise was to let the dog in our room… Without knocking…. Thank GOD we had some covers over us. Seconds before his family faux paux The Hubster said “I think I should lock the door.” Good thing he was too busy to get up or my brother would have had an eyeful of wang.

Why is it that when my house is dirty, the clean laundry pile is threatening to fall over and bury us alive, and we are using Kleenex to wipe ourselves after potty time my first thought is to make sure my spices are where I need them? WHY? Can you explain why my cabinet looks like this:

but we are having to put our mouths directly below the water dispenser on the fridge to get something to drink since the glasses are all unwashed….

Happy Half-Nekkid Thursday! This week I found myself at the bottom of a glass of wine (I’m so trashed it’s a wonder this enter makes sense). I took a picture of me through my new wine glass, then I uploaded it to Picasa and messed with the saturation and shit

If you don’t know what I’m rambling about and you’re not drunk, then click on the HNT banner in my side bar. It’s fun, it’s cool and most importantly everybody’s doing it. Do it , DO IT!

Sorry I have been so lax with the posting. I appreciate all the nice compliments about my family and figured I could leave it up an extra day considering their stunning beauty. You might not know this but I am a person of few friends. Sure there are people in my life with whom I make a concerted effort to keep contact with but they are not call up and hit the movies kind of friends. They are logistically impossible to reach without much prior planning, they also have completely different lives. So as I was saying I’m a person of few friends.. I have 2 “mommy” friends. People who I can hang with and our kids can manage to get along so we can have a break…. 2…. I’m lucky to have that many. Soon I will be down to 1. My dear friend is moving back to Germany. The decision was quite suddenly made. I am supporting her choice, I can see how they will have so much more opportunity over there but landsakes! I’m going to be even more lonely and I can say with confidence - THAT SUCKS. Krisha is a particularly wonderful friend. She has watched my eldest daemon without so much as a complaint when other were afraid to tackle the job. She watched both my children when I had a mental breakdown one day and had to hightail it to the psychiatrist. She is basically someone I would trust implicitly with the care of my children, knowing she would never raise a hand to them or bully them. She understands my style of parenting and the crap that I am trying to achieve and attain with my kids. She “gets” why I am already looking into having Mira tested, instead of waiting for her teacher in kindergarten to tell me there is a problem… She gets it and I’m going to lose her - THAT SUCKS!

The upshot of this deal is some of the stuff we’ll get if they do infact leave. We’ve got 1st dibs on stuff like a industrial swing set we procured for them a few years ago when we didn’t have a yard. We can buy their trailer bed cheap so we can haul things to the dump without begging to borrow truck. The biggest upside? We’ll always have a place to stay in Germany and a translator. Germany is on my list of places I’d love to go, with them back over there it would be an attainable goal.

If you have a moment please go visit my renter Cat. I always have a hard time choosing whom to rent to, cat was a first time applicant whose blog was new to me. I’ve jumped into reading it with both paws. She also struggles with mental illness and gives frank descriptions of her time spent “inpatient” as well as frankly discusses her conditions - this impresses me. Many people look at the spectrum of mental illness and it terrifies them, thus many people affected suffer in silence. A blog like cat’s is not only entertaining, it’s informative and gives people who are quietly suffering hope. Her thumb nail is at the top of my side bar, give her a click and scroll through some of her entries. I think you’ll like what you read