“Moooom! I got poooooooop”

Oh joys of motherhood. I’m not in the best of moods today. I awoke to the battle cry of the diapered. Once the tush was cleaned, both animals, er kids, were fed and watered I hid myself away in the bathroom. No, this was not some Calgon Take Me Away orgasmic experience. I retired to the bathroom to salivate into a tube - yes you did read that right. Apparently all this weird lactating could be tied to my progesterone vs estrogen levels. It’s not something I envisioned myself dealing with in my 20’s but quite apparently it could be the source of many of my problems. For you long time reader, you remember my journey into mental medication madness, there could be an underlying reason as to why so many different drugs not only failed me but made me more insane - my hormones simply may be out of wack. I don’t deny being bipolar (or cyclothymic depending on who you speak with) but I can’t help but think that perhaps these medications could not help me because there were other things wrong, things that on their own would make one nuts. Now take those factors and combine them with mental illness and it might suddenly explain why everything went so poorly. It’s a shame things had to degrade to the point I’m at now.

*Despite regular workouts and a fairly healthy diet I’m still gaining weight, yet ONLY gaining weight in my thighs and ass. Looking at my face many people have commented that I look like I’m losing weight. Not that I want to complain, but losing weight in my face and applying it to my inner thigh is not my idea of a good trade off

*I am LACTATING despite not having breast fed in over a year. This is not little droplet of residual milk. I have actually woken up wet from a let down - ew!

*I’m having problems with irritability, anxiety, depression, tearfulness (which includes crying at America’s Funniest Home Videos at the man who proposed to his sweetie by shaving “Marry Me” into his BACK HAIR, not exactly a hallmark moment and yet tears were welling in my eyes).

*I’m tired all the damn time. It’s to the point where I want to spend half my day napping and I don’t nap, hell normally I hardly sleep due to insomnia. Right now I could sleep 16 hours get up to pee and sleep 16 more, I’m just that exhausted.

*Extreme brain fog. Some days I have a hard time even speaking in sentences. Last week a friend came over with her kids and I was so bad off she sent me out to procure caffeine, I rarely drink caffeine.

*Mondo urges for sweets, serious I might kill someone standing between me and a cake… or chocolate.. or ice cream… you get the picture.

*Crazy night sweats

There’s some other stuff too but you get the picture. My point is there is SOMETHING else going on and it is somehow tied to my hormones. Maybe it’s my estrogen and progesterone, maybe it’s my thyroid.. at this point I have no clue. In 10 days I might have some indication but until then I sit.. and wait… wanting to sleep… snarling at my loved ones, lamenting my thigh expansion and plotting my next cake. Today I will force myself from my home to drop off my vat of collected saliva (damn “test” collection took 45 minutes, I had to ooze so much saliva that my eyeballs are dry) and send it airborn to people shut away in a lab, who may be able to help me put my life back together.