My DSL exploded over the weekend. The cold front rolling in blew out a transformer and the DSL went down with it. I’ll update when my connection is back.

A few months ago my best friend came to town. She was traveling with a band called SNMNMNM She and the boys rolled up to my house and inhaled a giant pan of enchiladas, a vat of ginger lentil barley stew and a massive attack chocolate cake. Later that night I met up with them at The Social for their show. They kick ass and now I can show you just how kick ass they are. The video is honestly worth the load time. If asked what other band comes to mind when I hear them I would say Ben Fold Five (minus the piano) and a few other unexpected instruments tossed in. My kids have developed into their youngest groupies. I’ve watched the video 11 times since loading it up this morning, Mira keeps demanding that I replay it. Mira is quite the music connoisseur as we have kept her crappy music exposure to a minimum - she knows the good shit! This video is for their new CD release Exploderama, buy it, you’ll like it! And when they come to your town make sure to make it to the show, they give so much during a show it’s phenomenal.

Did you ever know that you’re my heeeeeeero?

Why yes, yes I did.

I saved myself, not by finding Jesus or flinging myself in front of a bullet so it wouldn’t hit me but rather by reading my archives. Who knew there was so much good information there?

Late last night, say 2 am-ish I was having some trouble snoozing. I poured myself a glass of wine and considered doing some bonsai pruning on my girlisous muffy parts. I turned the heat on and plunked myself down in front of the computer while I waited for the house to warm up. I clicked through yesterdays comments and for shits and giggles brought up my archives - there are some real golden moments in there! It was then I stumbled across my last account of drunken cooter shaving, it was enough to deter me. Here’s a flashback for those who may not have been around for the original post:

I finally remembered to purchase AAA batteries so I thought I would test out my new bikini trimmer. The only problem - these days I’m a light weight drinker and I was 3 Kelley’s raspberry hard ciders into it. So while I balanced on the edge of the tub humming a little ditty I remodeled my thighs and soft girly spots. Removed some fuzz here, chunk of thigh there. Thank GOD I was 3 sheets to the wind because I would think it would of hurt otherwise. I now look like a baby tiger attacked me but at least my underwear afro is gone.

What do you call a woman with one REALLY huge lactating boob and one normal boob?

I don’t know either but i’ll let you know when the doctor calls me back with my blood work results….

A few weeks ago a young woman went missing not to far from where I live. Her name is Jennifer Kesse. If you look over in my side bar there is a link to her website or CLICK HERE Please take a moment to check out the website and pass the word on to your friends and family. When I was single I drove past the area where she lived every day getting to and from work. On more than one occasion I had men trying to follow me home. It’s terrifying to think what could have happened to me had I not been aware and it’s upsetting to think about what may have happened to her. Here are some more links to her story and more photos of her:

Home Movies with Jennifer in them: CLICK HERE

Link to pictures of things relevant to the case: CLICK HERE

Link to local news station with the latest on the story: CLICK HERE

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And if you have a few more minutes to spare check out my renter this week. Chatty is always good for a chuckle. She even does memes in style. Who else could threaten someone with the curse of a triple yeast infection and still come out smelling like roses?

The poor poor Hubster has fallen prey to some kind of consumption. It’s the creeping hoarking juicy kind that narrows your breathing and fills your ears with fluid. In an attempt to circumvent the necessity of the doctor we fell back on an alternative therapy that we are known to partake in 1 to 2 times a year- Ear Candling. CLICK HERE for more info on it. I know some people consider it to be a bunch of hooey and others are horrified at the idea of putting a flaming stick in a body orifice but it works for us! Now truthfully things can go awry when ear candling, in fact the person who introduced it to me had an awful experience that ended in a trip to the ENT (ear nose and throat doctor) and a total secession of candling.

Here is The Hubster praying that I don’t set him on fire and here is all the interesting junk we found in his ears:

MMMMMMMM yummers. Once when I had been suffering with minor hearing loss for over a week we candled me and upon cutting open the remaining stub found a huge dead fly! My hearing was immediately restored but my appetite was lost.

For a little over a year now Pickles has been living with us. In that time this diminutive and demanding furball has wormed his way into my heart. At the pound he was a quivering and sniveling pile of fur. He shook when The Hubster cradled him and he shrank when my kids stepped on him. The Hubster was skeptical. Why should we bring him home? He seems to be afraid of his own shadow.

Anyone who has picked out a pound puppy knows that doggy jail, much like people jail, changes a personality. One may have been a big fish in a little pond on the outside but find quite the opposite to be true on the inside. This is exactly what happened to Pickles.

As he was integrated into our home it became abundantly clear Pickles had at one time come from a very spoiled, one dog home. He turned his nose up at Lamb and Rice dog food, giving us that “You expect me to eat this shit” look. He snarled at Dozer anytime Dozer came within 3 feet of him . We think this is due to him having to vigorously defend his fluffy bunghole from the larger general population in puppy prison and an over all lack of animal socialization. He came fully loaded with tricks, sit, rollover, turn, jump, walking on his hind legs, etc. He was in constant motion on the make 24/7 hoping to avoid that dog food by turning tricks for treats. He shamelessly whored himself out to anyone who walked through the front door, turning belly up at their feet.

Thus far he was affable and adorable. Sure having his sharp wet nose jammed in your armpit demanding that you pet him was annoying as hell but, damn, look how cute he is:

(Pickles is the furry one). Then one day a storm started to roll in. The thunder was low and ambling. You could feel it’s deep vibrations in your bones. The rain came down steadily, drawing a drowsy curtain over my family. Pickles began shaking. A high pitched whinny punctuated every breath he took. He twined himself between my feet and lolled his tongue out. The storm droned on for hours, so did Pickles.

Pickles managed to survive the rainy season and his fear seems to have lessened some. He no longer hyperventalates his way through a storm unless the thunder is on par with an earthquake but there are still some annoying habits associated with low barometric pressure. Last night he showcased his new way of dealing with storms.

It’s 12:30 and I’m dead tired, the Vanilla Cherry Coke I drank around 8 is still coursing through my veins, forcing my eyes to remain open. As sleep finally starts to wash over me Pickles starts jumping up and down, yapping like a fool. I drag myself from bed thinking the Hubster had forgotten to let him out before bed. It’s then I hear the rain. I plod back to bed, lay down and endure 20 more minutes of Pickles before I grab him and lay him on my chest. He’s not shaking but his claws are out and turned under so they catch my flesh. I bite my lip and ignore it, thinking so long as he is quiet I don’t care. A loud clap of thunder comes and Pickles is on my face. My chin is precariously close to touching doggy dick (ew). I pull him off of me and scold him loudly. The rain calms and so does Pickles. 3:30 am we repeat the above scene. 4:45 am we repeat the above scene. 5:30 and 7:13 am. Being close is not enough for Pickles, when it’s raining he expects you to remain awake and protect him from the thunder and the other oogie boogies that are lurking. And you know what? I bet his old owners did it for him too

Have you ever touched the clothing that Polly Pocket wears? It’s some sort of formed gelatinous nasty. I had to dress several Polly Pockets for my friends garage sale. The inner death shiver after handling these items was unshakeable. At one point we were throwing the items at each other and they hit me with this god awful almost stickiness but not quite. It clung to my arm hairs and made me jiggle and shake in many ungodly and unnatural ways in attempt to free myself. It was so bad I had a nightmare about it. I don’t remember much other than in the dream I’m in a boutique and the sales lady is chasing me with this Polly Pocket brand straight jacket…

I don’t often post quizes but I find this one to be relevant to the state of our United States. A staggering number of citizens have no knowledge of our country’s history. Could you pass the citizenship test?

You Passed the US Citizenship Test

Congratulations - you got 7 out of 10 correct!

For those who find themselves floundering on the citizenship test I reccomend watching “Liberty’s Kids” That play it on either PBS or the WB around here. Who knew history could be so interesting.

One of my dearest friends found herself facing a diamond and the man she loved, of course she said YES! Michele and I have been friends since highschool, she’s like an auntie to my girls. Happy Half Nekkid Thrusday I hope everyone else’s week has been filled with good news. You can click HERE to read her brand new wedding blog that I just started for her!