My 27th birthday is just 2 weeks away, and has me thinking about who I am and who I was. Everyone was someone else. Time happens, situations change and people evolve. New opinions, new goals, and new challenges shape who we are constantly in the process of becoming.
In my former life I was an actress and a model, I came across some proofs from one of the last shoots I ever did and they got me thinking. Admittedly I miss performing, but I do not miss the heavy emphasis placed on looks. 
At 20 I was a gaunt 145 lbs for my 5 ft 11 in hourglass frame, I was considered “plus sized” and barely marketable. I had a boyfriend telling me if I dropped 15 lbs it would make a world of difference. I had porn photographers telling me that where my body was a short coming in the main stream it was an asset in their world. I was barely eating, typically one meal a day and maybe a snack to fend off headaches. I was hyper-exercising. Riding my bike, dancing, teaching gymnastics, walking and weight lifting (lightly). I was taking Chromium Picolinate in an attempt to drop those 15 lbs, when I started having heart palpitations. After weeks of motoring around like a hummingbird on crack, feeling like my heart was going to explode, I gave it up.
I am hesitant to step back into the spotlight, afraid I will get caught up in the unpleasant aspect of body obsession. Now that I am aging I can worry about more than my expanding ass, adding wrinkles and premature graying to the list. These sort of things just come with the territory and I was very accepting of that. The keyword here: was.
I understand the role that looks play in society. Gaining 80 lbs made me invisible in a world where I used to move easily, where people would scramble to help me. Today I can not abide by the intense pressures that are placed on models and actresses to drop 5 lbs this week, or to get breast implants. Now that I have someone other than myself to consider, I can see how this world created on stage and screen plants the seeds of self doubt and self deprecation in our children.
As I look towards my future I turn to my past for inspiration. I was an actress, a model, an athlete. I was audacious, daring, and naive. I was overly compliant. If I decide to slip back on stage or in front of the camera, I have to do so with absolute confidence and love of my body. I have to lead by example for my children and not allow others to deter me, or twist my self image.
Who were you in your former life? Do you miss it? Do you think you could go back to it?
I still can’t wait to find out who I am in THIS life…
Oh, and 27 is GREAT!!
In my former life I was too going on auditions for commercials. The only thing I got was as an extra in a few of them. I miss it but at the same time my priorities have changed and to be honest with you I’ve gotten more of a peace of mind…
Hmm.. in my former life… I was not a mom yet, that’s for sure, lol.
I so get it! Eating disorders and body obsession never completely goes away. You have to be hyper vigilant because it’s so easy to slip back into the feelings of powerfulness in losing weight and powerlessness of gaining weight. It’s a battle that I commend you for fighting for the sake of our daughters!
Hi-
I love your blog… the title, the template… all soooo cool!
In my former life I helped curate private art collections and was a Ph.D candidate…
Now, I am a busy momma but hitting the stretch of motherhood where I am also re-finding myself!
I’ll be back!
Former life what former life LOL!
Terri, though I am but a babe, I have seen to much, lived too much and been too much to claim not to have a “former life” so what about that artist league meeting?
Stefanie, no it never leaves. For me it manifests in picking at my skin these days. I mostly have it under control but when the other aspects of my life start spinning wildly I start picking myself to pieces.My poor scarred up arms are a testament to teh torture i’ve put myself through
Kristin, what an awesome job!
Isn’t it odd how we get so wrapped up in one little person taht the next thing we know we have to “find” ourselves
I never had a former life. Went from teenager straight to mom. But the kind of person I was in highschool, I don’t care to ever be again.
My former life…..it’s a long stream of history and jobs, many different experiences all in the same small town. I couldn’t wait to get out, and for the most part don’t look back. I would be remiss if I didn’t say this: you’re absolutely smashing in black+white. So glad you didn’t listen to the porn folks.
Quit picking or I’ll show you my thumbnails!!!
Peace~
I’m a skin picker too. Sometimes I think I just need to wear mittens all the time.
I had a stint of acting/modelling/being exciting. Then, academia. Now, mommyness. Would I change anything? Go back? No way.
No way.
I hit 40 last fall and got to really take stock of all the different people I’ve been:
That super-naive super-self-conscious teenager? That burgeoning collegiate feminist? The idealistic teacher in Africa? The 20-something “That Girl” in the city? The suit-wearing paralegal with the window office? The lonely telecommuter parked in front of her computer? The new mom, exhausted and depressed? The doctor’s wife? My kid’s mom? The artist?
I have to say, when I stop and lay it all out like that, I can hardly wait to see what’s ahead!
Life is so weird.
You and I have a few things in common Mama.
I too am 5′11.
For my entire life I was a skinny girl. It’s just the way I was made. I wavered between about 130 and 140 pounds- which was a size 6 and 8. For our height, as you know, that’s really small.
I never thought much about the way I looked at all. I didn’t care. I wasn’t conscious of it.
Then, I had a death in my family. My sister commited suicide 3 1/2 years ago. I coped by drinking. I drank about a bottle of wine a night. And chased the wine with a plate of cookies in the middle of the night. Needless to say, it didn’t take long for me to gain a few pounds. I gained 20 pounds within a few months of this behavior.
Then, I got pregnant. I gained 80 pounds in my pregancy, so in a year I gained 100 pounds. Then, 7 months later, I was pregnant again and I gained 40 more.
I look back at myself, pictures and I wonder where I am.
I do not dislike myself now, however.
Funny, you’d think I would, but I don’t.
My youngest is 8 months old and after all is said and done, I have just 40 pounds in total remaining.
JUST 40, I can’t even believe I’m writing that… but it’s okay with me. I guess I’m at a place in my life where I like myself and I value things other than my aethetics. I am a healthy person. I am a little overweight, but it will remedy itself because I am active, I eat healthily, and I am happy. So… whatever. I don’t really care.
And, I don’t feel unattractive being overweight either. How about that? I don’t feel less desireable to my husband or to men on the street or to myself when I look in the mirror. I don’t like myself less in clothes. I feel fine.
I DIDN’T feel fine 80 pounds ago though.
Idunno.
This post made me think. Thank you.
In my former life I was a surfer living in hawaii…
no, wait, that’s the life I wanted to have!
Now, it’s not going to ever happen. Sigh.
However, once becoming a mom, I’m ok with this life I’m leading now. More than ok actually.
WHat a great post – I’ve been thinking some of the same things. I even bought Chromium, which I will throw out. I lost 27 pounds recently, by drinking more water, eating more fruit, and walking. It’s high time I got back at that and stopped trying to take shortcuts. Thanks for reminding me. I was 118 (I’m 5′7″) before kids and yes, I have work to do, but at some point, we all have to be happy with our bodies and comfortable in how we take care of them.
Your pictures in your profile show you as healthy and happy. Take care of your body – it’s the only one you’ve got.
Ditto for me what the other Melanie said! I became a mom at 19 and again at 21. I never found myself to begin with. Being in an abusive relationship from 16 until he went to prison for battery on me when I was 24, and having two small kids…I am just now (at 29) finding myself. Fortunently, I have an awesome husband who encourages anything I want to do! Believe it or not, your blog is really inspring me to become more creative. Thanks!
I just turned 30, and have been having a lot of the same thoughts. I miss some parts of the young me, but there are some things you couldn’t pay me to deal with again.
I am so right there with you. I’m 29. Pretending to be pysched about turning 30. Secretly wanting to scream at the image I see in the mirror, “WHO ARE YOU, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH SHAREE’”. I have 3 wonderful kids and a husband who sincerely tries to make me happy. But I just want to be me again. Fun, exciting, adventerous, opinionated, outspoken me. Not this toned down grey version of myself. Well yada yada yada. Point is–I feel ya girl.
Sounds like we have a lot in common. I modeled a bit – 5′11″ 140 or so – struggled to keep it down. Felt my best right before baby at 150 – and I’m okay now.
However, it’s amazing how thin these models are. 117lbs at 5′11″? I would look like death walking. It pisses me off because it’s totally unrealistic.
Too many former lives to count.
I just turned 33, and I can remember being 27. At 27 it was just me and the husband with our new little puppy. We could sleep in and do whatever we wanted but I was shy, no confident.
If anything I have found that in the last 5 years and 2 kids later, I am much more confident. I know who I am and I have big dreams. I want to be strong for my kids, but I often let my kids be an excuse for not doing things. “I don’t have time to exercise because my kids take up so much time” or “I can’t start my own business because I don’t have time after work because of my kids”. So I am still looking for the life, work, kid balance but I will find it, because I have a lot more confidence now than I ever did before.
Sounds like you may be on the right path to finding your true self…we don’t define who we are by our outward appearance, we may express ourselves this way though. Look inwards to your soul and express it. Be true to yourself and respect and speak your truths.