Wet Ones is a product that I have bought religiously since I’ve had my own car. I love that it fits right into the cup holder. The top flips off with little fuss; it’s an easy one handed grab away from cleaninville- pure heaven right? Last Friday my sparkling product nirvana took a disturbing turn.

I’m sitting in the car, ready to throw it into reverse when Tessa lets out a mighty “AAAACHOOOOOOOOOOOO” I can hear the moist nose action as it erupts on her face- YUM, a 3 foot long bloody snot rocket is dangling from my darling’s nostril. “Hazah! I have just bought a new container of Wet Ones, good thinking!” I pry the lid off and pull out a fresh one to mop up the magic nose goblin carnage. I then decide I’ll take the extra few minutes to feed the wipes through the dispenser top for easy access in case we replay this scene in traffic.

There are specific directions which I take care to follow lest I end up the dunderhead for whom the warning

DO NOT PUSH FINGER THROUGH OPENING

was written for. I mean, come on, who the hell would push their finger through the feeder hole which has 4 very sharp flaps to hold the wipes aloft? I insert the triangular thing-a-ma-doo-wacky through the shredder hole of finger death and pull upwards to bring the wipe out.. No dice, the wipe keeps slipping. I rethread the triangle 5,000 times with the same end result. Instead of hurling the canister out the window and running it over I decide to make one last pass (isn’t this always where these stories takes a bad turn?)…

I brace my finger on the underside of the container, pinning the very tip of the wipe, as I draw the triangular wipe threader up. YES! The wipes are now threaded and read for easy dispensing.. Wait.. What’s that? OH MY GOD!! BLINDING SEARING PAIN!! Yes folks, my finger some how slipped during the process and was thread through too. Making the situation worse? I was stuck. The lid rested around my first knuckle and my finger was rapidly turning white. I tugged, I shimmied, I ran into the house screaming like a maniac. Troy comes running, thinking I’m on fire, stops dead and starts chuckling. He starts to tell me how silly I am and then realizes that it won’t move and with every attempt to wiggle, slide and pull I scream louder and my knees weaken, threatening to collapse beneath me. He grabs the kitchen scissors and carefully sets me free. My poor finger was battered, my heart was racing 100 miles per minute and I was fairly certain that I crapped myself (later investigation revealed that I did not crap myself but rather simply had a cow).

The next day I fell compelled to tell the company about my experience. They sounded completely shocked and utterly sympathetic. In a gesture of friendship and good business practice they offered me a few free coupons… for the SAME death trap of a product!

(you can click to enlarge and see the full fledge owieness

Consider yourself warned.

PS I just received some shocking, exciting and scary news. Please keep me in your prayers and I will let the cat out of the bag soon, I promise (it has nothing to do with the contest I was entered into, the winner for that wont be announced for a few weeks yet).