There is blood, bright red blood. As it hits the water, tinging it pink, spreading like a wave over the shore, I begin to shake. I know from all the books that this isn’t normal. Brown can be explained away but not fresh blood. My voice falters as I call out to my husband. Sobs spill from my mouth, their sound nearly inhuman. “Call the doctor, please”

They see me right away, ushering me into the ultrasound room. The wand glides across my belly and we see it- the tiny steady flicker of my baby’s beating heart. I notice the tech’s eyes narrow as she studies the screen. She leaves me to get the doctor and my head swims with fear. He clucks over the screen, pats my shoulder and tells me “We’ll have to wait and see.”

I am sent home on bed rest.

With rest, the bleeding stems, giving me hope. For several hours my heart beats it’s normal pace as I trace circles on my ever so slightly swollen abdomen. My peace is short lived. Without warning I start gushing. Darkness blanketed us hours before and I find myself splayed out on a gurney in the ER. I’m sobbing but no tears fall… I have cried myself dry. My husband looks small as they wheel me away into ultrasound “No, he may not come.”

The screen is turned away from me and the tech won’t meet my eyes. I ask questions and she simply says “You’ll have to ask the doctor.” I practically leap off the table in anger demanding to know if there is a heart beat. She must have seen something in my eyes. She turns the screen to face me. There it is, bright and white. Boom boom boom. It is steady but there is something not quite right. It looks like chunks of wet newspaper are swirling around my baby…. I am sent home “We’ll have to wait and see.”

The next morning I am barely spotting, once again with a wand gliding across my stomach. There is no flicker, no blinking beacon. I dig my fingernails into my flesh, trying to feel something other than dead. “I’m so sorry, put your pants back on.”

I sit in an office, blinking slowly, unable to move. I watch large bellies shuffle by, breathing cuts me like a knife. My husband rounds the corner and stops dead. They had called him to pick me up, knowing I could not drive. I can not meet his eyes, I feel like I have failed him. Today is Wednesday we are sent home to wait until Friday.

For two days I feel like a walking coffin. My body still clings to the baby, making Friday a necessity. My chart reads “SPONTANEOUS ABORTION” in big red letters… I am on the birthing floor of the hospital. My roommate’s swollen belly quivers and undulates under her gown. Everywhere I turn are signs “Welcome baby” and “We hope you enjoy your birthing experience with us!” My husband puts me back in bed and turns the signs face down, cussing under his breath.

Soon I am sedated, spiraling into my own nightmarish hell. I dream of chasing babies while my doctor scoops and scraps away what remains of my baby. It’s over and I am empty.

Today marks the start of my 8th week… the week where I lost my first pregnancy. I am scared. I don’t know if I’ll be able to breath this week- I think I’ll be white knuckling it. I know every pregnancy is different, I have 2 miracle girls to prove that but I held my breath all the way through week 8 with them too! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I’m sure having an ultrasound will sooth me down but I don’t think I’ll be getting one until mid August.

The advice over Dr Ex has been passed on, I shall let you all know if there are any developments. Nextly, see that glittery tag over there in the side bar?~~~~~~>
Obey it. Click it. Join. Thus far we’ve got 11 members (for only being operational 3 days, this fact just has me tickled pink). I’m lovin’ it. What other Mom forum has double flip off smilies, humping smilies, and barfing smilies? None that I know of! When you sign up, a verification email will be sent to you. I’m doing my best to keep out spammers so it’s necessary that you click on that email to gain posting privileges. Bonus, since we are just starting you can get pretty much any screen name you want (sorry to inform you that Fidget is taken) ! Ooo Ooo while you are over in the side bar, scroll down just a tad and visit my renter Mommy Off the Record. She’s planning a celebration and needs links to your bestest most favorite blog entry. Click on over and help her out!

Lastly. More names! (pausing pausing.. Um is it possible to sneeze and puke at the same time? Because that just nearly happened and I have never considered the plausibility of that….)

Girls Names E

Eden
Elizabeth (really only a middle name option for it, it’s long standing popularity makes it an unappealing first name)
Ella (Always have enjoyed this name but another overly popular choice)
Elle
Ellery (I adore this name, The Hubster hates it with a burning and all consuming passion, I have yet to figure out why)
Eva
Eve (loved this one so much it’s Mira’s middle name)
Evelyn (old fashioned and sweet, am I weird for admitting I like this name?)

Boys Names E

Elijah (I love the flow of this name but would never use it. Everyone would shorten it to Eli, which I HATE. I feel icky saying or even typing Eli… It’s a lizard name)
Edipo (it means ‘He who has swollen feet’ in Greek… ok I am so lying the boy’s E list is just so short ya know?)

Girls Names F

ummm, moving on

Boys Names F

Fineas (ever since I read A Separate Peace I have mooned over this name any way you spell it)

Girls Names G

Gale (My mother’s name, it could turn up as a middle name)
Glory (A derivative of a family name, also holds middle name potential)
Gwen (This one is Tessa’s middle name, it was nearly her first name)

Boys Names G

Grayson (already snapped up by a cousin, it fits her boy to a T)

Girls Names H

yeah I’ve got nothing, but funny story about an H name. My sister, Kelly, went by the nick name Hattie for all of her toddler years. My brother, unable to say Kelly came up with Hattie and it stuck.

Boys Names H

Harrison (so long as you NEVER EVER refer to the kid as Harri or Harry - eeewww)
Henry (This is another one I feel weird admitting too, I just envision this cheerful round baby)

What are your impressions of this section of the list? What would you add?

A dear friend of mine has found her self in a dilly of a pickle. Ok, that is a gross understatement… She’s found herself facing a situation that no mother-to-be could have dreamed up during her most horrid and hormone induced nightmare. After 3 kids she imagined this 4th one would be a breeze (cue shocking music, dun dun duuuunnnnnn). Boy, was she ever wrong!

A new doctor has joined her OB practice, one who knows my friend all too well. Apparently they spent the weekends during her junior year of college studying anatomy.. Ahem.. very hot and heavy and naked anatomy. Her.husband.does.not.know. She’s mortified. She can’t chose who delivers her baby and, not suprisingly, isn’t to keen on spreading her legs for this guy again. Would you want an ex poking around your girly bits as a baby crowns? Should she say something to her current doctor? Should she tell her husband? Should she mention something to the new doctor (ex booty caller) in an effort to squelch the hinkiness when they inevitably meet up? What if she does’t tell her husband, the booty caller comes to deliver the baby, makes an off the cuff remark and BAM “Birthing Room Brawl” on the next Maury.

What would you do???

Since my first pregnancy I have turned to online communities for support and friendship. Through the years I’ve found myself the odd woman out. The one who has been willing to say “Sometimes this motherhood gig sucks.” The one who admits glee in teaching her kids to sing “Ring of Fire “, ” Jesse’s Girl”, or “Blister In The Sun.” I admit to letting my toddlers watch The Simpsons. Sometimes my kids have donuts for breakfast (hell sometimes for dinner too!). My children are not always perfectly preened, sometimes they don’t brush their teeth and often I don’t fold the laundry.

Speaking of these things sees to make you some sort of leper on parenting boards. If they aren’t dog piling you with “tisk, tisks” they are completely ignoring you in an effort, I suppose, not to be corrupted by you. It is a large part of what drove me to start blogging- the ability to say what I felt with an equal opportunity to be heard. I KNEW there had to be other people out there who handle things like I do. Similar minded people who won’t faint if I declare “Screw vegetables, my kid is at least eating!” Moms who kids aren’t always at the pinnacle of decorum, sometimes they are two knuckles deep in a booger sandwich. People who when met with such a sight wouldn’t shield their eyes, but get a good giggle.

I’ve been blessed or lucky or touched (no wait that’s in my head, let’s stick with blessed or lucky) to connect with so many women through my blog. I find the comments section to be a bit lacking, not in comments, but flexibility. Often discussions I would love to jump into aren’t kept up because it’s in the comments. Without others opinions I don’t have to cobble together a coherent post and so I let the opportunity slide by. In an effort to make a space for us to all gather- to share, to laugh, to rant, to rave, to help, to support, to be ourselves - I created a board. By registering a name and clicking on a link in your email, you’ve given yourself a golden ticket to what I hope grows into a vibrant community of non robotic mothers. Step out of Stepford and into The Finding Yourself Forums by CLICKING HERE

Today I wanted to spew an earful about the ass hats at city hall and our permitting woes. I’ve decided that Murphy’s Law would beat me down and one of the staff would turn out to be a reader, thus I have shelved my tirade for now. Instead I bring you happy baby thoughts and continue with the naming nuttiness; I find pondering the possibilities soothing.

Girl Names C
Cady (This is my favorite spelling, I’d never use this due to popularity)
Callie, Calleigh (Don’t know if I’d use this b/c we once named a love bird Callie, classic rookie prekids mistake)
Charlotte (not sure if I’d use this, but I’ve always thought it was pretty)
Clara
Corina
Corinne

Boys Names C
Cortland (nick name would be Cort, I thought this a clever way to work in my middle name- Courtney)
Cletus (ok so I am lying about this one, just checking to see if you are paying attention… but then again the prospect of naming a kids after The Simpsons’ slack jawed yokel IS tempting)
Christian (I have always adored this name, maybe it’s some left over crush from Heathers, I however would not use the name)

Girls Names D
Darby
Daphne
Delaney (regionally popular here and now refers to a specific section of a nearby city thus killing it for me)
Dreama (a name I have adored since I was a kid. Would I saddle a kid with it? I’d have to be pretty doped up - so yes it is a possibility bwhahahahaha)

Boys Names D
Dawson (should I hide my face in shame? This name has really grown on me. The kid would also have a built in theme song)
Dean (would use as a middle name only. This is my step dad’s name and I am not much for juniors, it would get very confusing)
Dante
Demetrius (love this name but would never use it- too much of a mouthful around here)

As a young girl I poured great time and attention into naming my dolls and stuffed animals. My favorite Pound Puppy’s name was Penelope, Barbie often went by Anastacia, and my oh so soft and fluffy dress up kitten with the optional fluffy tail extention and button up pastel sweater was known as Samantha.

I still take great pride and care in choosing names. I ponder wild scenarios, mull over details and search for that puzzle perfect fit. It is no accident that our American Bulldog with a penchant for snoring is bestowed with the name Dozer. Bull Dozer, sleeper = dozer… entirely well too thought out. Pickles earned his name more through happenstance. I believe it is the movie “Lady Killers” where there is a cat named Pickles. It struck me as the perfect silly little name for an overly prissy or preened dog and I declared that if ever such an animal waltzed into our lives, Pickles would be his name. Thus as the trembling puddle of dog jello slowly lifted his head higher as we drove further from the shelter, perfectly positioning his paws as though to make them appeared pointed, Pickles was named.

My children’s names have received even more time and attention. It drives my husband insane. He would prefer to wait till they emerge into the world before pondering any names and I wonder if this had to do with his three nameless days in the world. I require a list. I don’t want to make some sleep deprivation or medication induced decision that would later require reversal and much public humiliation. I had a friend who ’s name was inadvertently recorded as “Alluicious Sasperella” when her father made an off the cuff joke and her mother was still loopy from medication. The abomination was later corrected but never forgotten.

The very day the magic pee stick informed me of my current condition I immediately headed out to pick up the book I had been coveting. With no REAL reason to buy it, I had kept telling myself “one day” though I longed to pour over the pages, hilighter in hand, pondering the possibilities- 65,000 more possibilities than the last one I had in my possession. HAZZAH! Now it is mine and now I turn to you dear readers. I want to hear about what you like and dislike. What kinds of characteristics you associate with names. Tut, tut I’m not looking for you to vomit up your list of 5,000 names I want to take this slow, relish it a bit. Just a few letters at a time. Let’s start at the very beginning, I’ve heard rumor that it’s a very good place to start.

Boys and Girls names that begin with A & B

Girl A Names
Audrey
Audra
Anastasia
Aubrey
Anya
Ana
Anabel
Ann Marie
Arabella

Boy A Names
Alden
Asher

Girl B Names
Betty
Betsy
Bianca

Boys B Names
Blaze
Boden
Beck (can I admit that without seeming like a pop-culture whore?)
Brody
Brodie

What is on your list? Anything that you can not stand? Even if the name is a bit outrageous or a mouthful I’d still love to hear it.