How Do You Breath When Fear Takes Your Breath Away?
There is blood, bright red blood. As it hits the water, tinging it pink, spreading like a wave over the shore, I begin to shake. I know from all the books that this isn’t normal. Brown can be explained away but not fresh blood. My voice falters as I call out to my husband. Sobs spill from my mouth, their sound nearly inhuman. “Call the doctor, please”
They see me right away, ushering me into the ultrasound room. The wand glides across my belly and we see it- the tiny steady flicker of my baby’s beating heart. I notice the tech’s eyes narrow as she studies the screen. She leaves me to get the doctor and my head swims with fear. He clucks over the screen, pats my shoulder and tells me “We’ll have to wait and see.”
I am sent home on bed rest.
With rest, the bleeding stems, giving me hope. For several hours my heart beats it’s normal pace as I trace circles on my ever so slightly swollen abdomen. My peace is short lived. Without warning I start gushing. Darkness blanketed us hours before and I find myself splayed out on a gurney in the ER. I’m sobbing but no tears fall… I have cried myself dry. My husband looks small as they wheel me away into ultrasound “No, he may not come.”
The screen is turned away from me and the tech won’t meet my eyes. I ask questions and she simply says “You’ll have to ask the doctor.” I practically leap off the table in anger demanding to know if there is a heart beat. She must have seen something in my eyes. She turns the screen to face me. There it is, bright and white. Boom boom boom. It is steady but there is something not quite right. It looks like chunks of wet newspaper are swirling around my baby…. I am sent home “We’ll have to wait and see.”
The next morning I am barely spotting, once again with a wand gliding across my stomach. There is no flicker, no blinking beacon. I dig my fingernails into my flesh, trying to feel something other than dead. “I’m so sorry, put your pants back on.”
I sit in an office, blinking slowly, unable to move. I watch large bellies shuffle by, breathing cuts me like a knife. My husband rounds the corner and stops dead. They had called him to pick me up, knowing I could not drive. I can not meet his eyes, I feel like I have failed him. Today is Wednesday we are sent home to wait until Friday.
For two days I feel like a walking coffin. My body still clings to the baby, making Friday a necessity. My chart reads “SPONTANEOUS ABORTION” in big red letters… I am on the birthing floor of the hospital. My roommate’s swollen belly quivers and undulates under her gown. Everywhere I turn are signs “Welcome baby” and “We hope you enjoy your birthing experience with us!” My husband puts me back in bed and turns the signs face down, cussing under his breath.
Soon I am sedated, spiraling into my own nightmarish hell. I dream of chasing babies while my doctor scoops and scraps away what remains of my baby. It’s over and I am empty.
Today marks the start of my 8th week… the week where I lost my first pregnancy. I am scared. I don’t know if I’ll be able to breath this week- I think I’ll be white knuckling it. I know every pregnancy is different, I have 2 miracle girls to prove that but I held my breath all the way through week 8 with them too! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I’m sure having an ultrasound will sooth me down but I don’t think I’ll be getting one until mid August.
Filed in: pregnancy loss miscarriage prayers
July 31st, 2006 at 2:19 am
My prayers are with you, Fidg….:hug:
July 31st, 2006 at 2:19 am
Wow … that is a powerful post and of course you have our thoughts and prayers. I never lost a baby, but my last pregnancy was 5 months of bleeding off and on with a torn placenta and praying every day for each hour I did not lose my baby … I was on bed rest from 12 weeks to 30 weeks when the kiddo was born … that was ten years ago .. and Kas is a healthy happy kid despite our less than perfect pregnancy and her very rough start as preemie. Your post has brought back those memories and I do have tears in my eyes … take care …
July 31st, 2006 at 2:37 am
Hope you get through this week safely for all.
July 31st, 2006 at 2:49 am
My prayers are with you and your little miracle.
HUGS.
July 31st, 2006 at 3:46 am
That was hard to read the whole way through, and I am so sorry that you had to experience that. You know I think about you often and I am definately praying for you every day.
July 31st, 2006 at 6:02 am
Just wanted to say that I will say a prayer for you, and I am so sorry for the pain you went through with your first pregnancy.
July 31st, 2006 at 12:03 pm
Keeping you and your precious little one lifted up in prayer. It must have been horrible to experience your miscarriage, but you never know who you might have just helped by writing about it and proving that you have two beautiful girls after a horrible experience. You have given hope. I pray that you are given peace today. Love and blessings.
July 31st, 2006 at 12:53 pm
That was heart wrenching Fidget. I can’t even imagine what you have been through. I’m sending the best vibes possible your way and will be thinking about you. Take it easy this week. I wish I could reach out and hug you!
July 31st, 2006 at 1:00 pm
I will pray for you every single day. That was a hard post to read. I didn’t know until the end that you were talking about your first pregnancy. I was sure it was about this one and though I don’t know you, my heart was breaking. Be strong.
July 31st, 2006 at 1:07 pm
I’m thinking of you Fidget and hoping everything is okay.
July 31st, 2006 at 2:00 pm
My thoughts are with you, Fidget. I hope week 8 passes uneventfully, and I’m so sorry for the loss you’ve already suffered. When I started reading this, I was thinking it was happening this time, and all I could think was, “Noooooo!” I’m relieved to know you’re doing well this time, and very sorry for what you’ve already gone through. How heart wrenching.
July 31st, 2006 at 2:24 pm
I was so scared reading this. I thought this was now, I was tearing it up. I totally understand your fear. Hugs and I hope all is well!
July 31st, 2006 at 2:26 pm
Oh Fidge…I will be thinking you and your family this week and sending out lots and lots prayers! I could barely get through that post. I wish I could just give a big hug!!!
July 31st, 2006 at 4:43 pm
Ok - you freaked me out!
Thought you were recounting your weekend! I cried…
Lots and lots of love and prayers for you my friend!
July 31st, 2006 at 4:55 pm
I’m so sorry - that’s never an easy thing to read or hear about and I’m sure it’s even harder to go through. You’re always in my thoughts!
July 31st, 2006 at 5:01 pm
I’ll be praying for you this week. I wish I could say “Everything is going to be perfect” but you already know that sometimes things aren’t perfect. Just know that you have a community of women who care and want everything to be ok. Keep us updated.
July 31st, 2006 at 5:28 pm
Fidget,
You got at least one man thinking of you too. Stay safe, and pray hard!
Jason Block
July 31st, 2006 at 5:37 pm
Will be praying for you hun. I know exactly how hard that is
July 31st, 2006 at 6:06 pm
You bet my thoughts and prayers are with you as I try to hold back tears for you and your family.
July 31st, 2006 at 6:09 pm
Big hugs to you Fidget! I will definately be saying prayers for you and your little bean this week.
I too thought that this was your current pregnancy until the end. I was trying not to sit here at work and bawl for your loss. Although, I am terribly sorry that you ever had to go through such pain.
Hang in there. We are anxiously waiting with you on the results of your next US.
July 31st, 2006 at 6:11 pm
Whew! I’m so sorry you had to endure that at all, but very glad to realize this was the story of a past pregnancy, and not this one. I’ll be thinking of you this week.
July 31st, 2006 at 9:13 pm
Oh, what a powerful post. I wilted with relief when I read the last paragraphs and realized this wasn’t about your current pregnancy.
How else to show us your fear of week eight? Beautifully done, Fidget, and of course you and your baby have my prayers.
July 31st, 2006 at 9:38 pm
Sweetie I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart is just breaking for you.
I’m sending lots of hugs and prayers your way.
I wish I could say something to make it better, but I know this hurt won’t go away for a long time.
((hugs))
July 31st, 2006 at 9:40 pm
whoops. I’m an idiot. That will certianly teach me to read comments before I post.
But my heart still hurts for the loss you had.
I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you and I hope the days fly until your u/s.
July 31st, 2006 at 11:01 pm
My prayers are with you and I do know exactly how you feel. I was there 4 times. I have kids too prove miracles can happen ,but that doesn’t always calm the fears and anxieties that creep up on you in the middle of the night or when you are least expecting it. It also doesn’t help when you are remembering your angels due or death dates. It is hard when you are trying to stay so positive because you want to be so excited for something you want so badly but are so scared of at the same time. I feel you Fidget and I am praying. Your post brought so many tears that I white knuckled all over again, only it was for you this time, not me.
Please keep us posted.
August 1st, 2006 at 12:43 pm
I actually held my breath the entire time I was reading that…until the very end. WHEWWWW. *praying for you*
August 1st, 2006 at 3:33 pm
Wow, that was hard to read.
I don’t think that clawing, screaming panic ever goes away once you’ve had a miscarriage. I know it’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone thru. I had hysterics on a regular basis when I got pregnant again after my loss. It’s almost impossible not to.
I found that blogging about those fears helped a lot. Maybe it will help you, too. There’s an awful lot of people pulling for you.
Can you ask your doctor for an u/s anyway? Just to calm yourself?
I’m not a praying person, but I will definitely be keeping you in my thoughts.
August 2nd, 2006 at 4:02 am
Fidget you know you’re in my thoughts. Hang in there and stay strong chicky!
August 2nd, 2006 at 3:47 pm
Oh, Sweetie. I lost one at 8 weeks too.
I remember the sonogram. The “I’m sorry, but there is nothing there” after we’d seen the heartbeat already.
Every week it gets easier.
August 2nd, 2006 at 5:41 pm
Prayers and good baby thoughts sent your way.
August 3rd, 2006 at 2:37 am
I’m sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers.
My daughter’s name is Tessa too!
xo
August 3rd, 2006 at 6:55 am
I am praying, so hard, for you, and your family
August 6th, 2006 at 12:42 am
You’re pregnant? Holy crap! Congratulations!!!!!!
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:07 pm
I saw the link to your post at Mary P’s site. You don’t know me but I wish you well and will keep you in my thoughts.
Ann
August 23rd, 2006 at 11:35 pm
Mary P sent me over with a caveat that this was powerful stuff, and she was so right. It must have been difficult to put that down, but brave, too.
I can’t imagine how shocking, devastating, and scary it must be to lose a pregnancy like that. I hope everything goes perfectly this time. My best wishes are with you.
August 24th, 2006 at 3:43 am
I came from Mary P. too - I’ve had friends and family who have lost pregnancies at various stages, but I’ve never heard their experience in such detail. I’m sure it was difficult to write.
Congratulations on your pregnancy; I hope things are fine and that you’ve seen the heartbeat by now for that peace of mind.
September 11th, 2006 at 9:01 pm
Oh I just started crying…brought back memories of my two miscarriages. I’ve gone on to have a third bouncing baby boy but i held my breath every time we had a scan, and didn’t feel safe until he was in my arms.
wishing you so much luck with this pregnancy.