When your doctor is alarmed that you are losing weight at a time you should be gaining it, and particularly when the swelling in your legs if nothing else should be causing your weight gain, do you confess your dietary sins?

Right now I am as bloated as Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade float but still losing weight. Why? I have no earthly clue, especially considering that I like to have a nice hearty breakfast with a side of chocolate covered cherries. Heavy whipping cream is my best friend, providing me with exquisite homemade Alfredo sauce, rich cake icings and cream of everything soup. Nestled in my fridge, cozied up next to my fresh berries are beef hot dogs and pounds of roast beef that I consume with the lust of a lioness gorging on a fresh kill. I spend $20 a week minimum on cheese and consume a good portion of that all by my lonesome. Breyers is considering naming a wing of it’s factory after me but Hagendaz is trying to beat them to the punch.

Where are these calorie going?? I know the baby is growing.. inside of me.. thus *I* should be the one gaining weight, right? I have another checkup on Wednesday and if i don’t do some serious swelling or carb loading before then, I’ll have to endue more alarmed looks and lectures on my caloric intake. I’m fairly certain at this point if they wanted me to eat anymore, they would have to set me up with a lard infusion and bathe me 3 times daily in melted butter. MMMMMMM butter.