When you find blood on the back of your newborns sleeping gown, don’t immediately panic. Calmly remove the gown and search the baby over for signs of trauma. When faced with more blood splashed across his belly, do not swoon in preparation to faint. Do not scream “HOLY CRIPES!” Nor should you allow yourself to begin sobbing uncontrollably. This will cause the baby to shriek in terror, which in turn will make you think he is shrieking in pain, which will make you sob harder.

Once you realize that the blood is from his umbilical cord stump falling off, it is ok to tear up a little when you realize that he’s already growing up. However, when you go searching for the elusive stump, it is not ok to start gagging upon the realization that it is no where to be found. You shake out his sleeping gown, you search your bed, you search the floor, you even pull the cushions off of the couch b/c that is where you nursed him last night and maybe it happened there and OMG what if someone drops by and sits on your couch and finds that darn stump and then is so repulsed that they run screaming from your home before you can hand them the baby and take the opportunity to pee in peace?

It is ok to tell yourself that the dog ate it and not be too horribly disgusted. You do know that the dogs have eaten baby poop before, what’s a little stump jerky in comparison to that?