Everyone has found themselves on the receiving end of bad advice at sometime or another. On occasion we have all be stupid naive enough to follow. It may have caused an Ogilvie Home Perm incident, a self waxing ut-oh, or a plastic surgery boo boo of Michael Jackson proportions. Through personal discovery, I know that pregnancy is the biggest invitation for ASSvice. Friends, strangers, distant family will offer up these gems as though they are the most promising glittering piece of parenting know-how out there. Many times you will come to find out, the best ASSvice comes from folks with no children of their own, but they’ve read BOOKS! and heard THINGS! and once baby sat their aunt’s iguana and iguanas are just like scaly children, right? These folks who lay claim to your belly in a grocery store or on an elevator, groping you without so much as a ‘hello my name is,’ will tell you:

“Make sure not to hold your baby too much, it’ll spoil her”
(Let me clue you in, it’s a BABY, not an open jar of mayo left to rot in the July sun)

“Let her cry, or she’ll learn she can manipulate you”
(we all know that as soon as they shoot out of your cootch they start plotting how to get you to buy them an oompaloompa for their first birthday)

“You shouldn’t breast feed a boy, you don’t want him to think dirty thoughts and be obsessed with them when he gets older”
(*cough cough* I just can’t even *cough cough*)

“Put that baby on a schedule right away”
(Baby, you are NOT allowed to poop until 4pm, do you hear me?)

“My baby started sleeping through the night right after she was born, yours will too”
(Now remember once upon a long ass time ago they gave you drugs that completely knocked you out. Chances are the person telling you this woke up from that when their kid was five)

Despite the overflow of poor parentisms there are the occasional nuggets of truth and wisdom. Things like:

“Sleep when the baby sleeps” With my first child it was an absolute must and always. As I have added children, I’ve left this by the wayside. I’ve somehow come to the decision that sleep makes me weak and not sleeping keeps me at the top of my game, of course I was to tired to cook dinner last night and ate a pound of bacon instead.

“Never leave the house without a complete change of clothing for yourself” Just a clean shirt simply won’t do. In the weeks following childbirth, when you are still bleeding like a stuck pig, a spare pair of pants and panties can save you lots of embarrassment. God forbid you sneeze, even the most kegel-y gifted among us is hard pressed to hold in a squirt during this time.

“Have a drink” Yes, HAVE A DRINK - especially if you are breastfeeding. One glass of wine will loosen you up enough to get a good let down and wipe out some anxiety (Note one glass of wine does not constitute the entire glass bottle of wine, remember moderation mama).

“Get out of the house” Walking back into the land of the living can help keep postpartum depression at bay. So long as you aren’t dealing with a preemie or a child with a compromised immune system, leave the house at least every few days. If you can swing it, do it every day. Just a short walk around the block can do wonders for lifting your mood.

“Showers are overrated” It’s true! If you’ve showered in the last nine days, spend that 15 minutes sleeping or eating or blogging (priorities ya know). My son is 10 weeks old and I’m still going by the nine day rule, how do you think I had the time to pound this out?

I’m interested to hear what wonderful ASSvice and ADvice you have received. Drop your gems in the comments, not only for my pleasure, but for the benefit of Liz , T B , and Christina who are all ripe to drop their sprogs at any moment. Maybe laughing will kick start labor.