It all seems so sinister.

Meet me in the Kohls parking lot at 10am, bring the gift card.

I stare at the email and know that I will do as I am instructed. There is no mention of a trench coat but I feel like I should be wearing one - beige and belted at my waist. I want to sport a plaid felt hat and twirl a mustache (Dear God, please never let me grow a mustache no matter how much I want to twirl one).

I want to email back

How will I know it’s you? Will you be wearing a trench coat? Could you wear a trench coat, I’d be certain to spot you then. Not many Floridians wearing trench coats in the 88 degree heat. Instead I simply reply

I’ll be there.

But will I be there? There is an gnawing anxiety in the pit of my stomach. I feel this surge whenever I make plans to pick up goods via Craigslist or Freecycle. I worry about this persons intentions. Why will you sell this to me? Why do you want to give this thing away? I always scrutinize the email address, as though I can detect evil or ill will from snjmi@anywhere.yeahright.

I briefly consider bringing my dog. My huge monstrous dog that makes people quake with fear. I don’t think I can handle 30 minutes in the car with him farting and fretting. Mace would be an idea, but I don’t own any. Sadly, my first thought is

I wonder if I post a WANT ad on Freecycle for mace, would someone reply?