Rock a bye baby in the tree top Amby, when the baby kicks, the bedding will rock. When the baby sleeps, mommy will blog. How happy are we? This bed rocks my socks.

Levi’s pretty psyched about it too. I found a note scrawled in baby spit up:

Dear Mom,

Drink more wine

Love,

Levi

PS: My new bed is cool, but don’t get used to sleep. I’ve got a tooth coming.

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Congrats are in order to the winner of my birthday contest Karla of Needle In A Cakestack !! Taking advantage of the hourly entry was a great power play on her part.
Karla, please email me with the email address you would like your Amazon gift certificate sent too!

How would you like to get your hot little hands on some Amazon.com dough? Yeah, I bet you would! On May 30th I am turning 28 and for my birthday I am giving away a gift certificate to Amazon.com for $28. Instead of handing out goodies bags with tootsie rolls and super balls, one lucky reader will get Amazon cash to buy me a present. Ok, you can do what ever you do desire with the gift certificate but a present for me WOULD be a lovely gesture.

To enter, please leave your first name, middle and last initial (if you dont have a middle name just say so), city and state in the comments. If you have a blog you may simply leave your blog address and the name you blog under - you MUST type your blog address into the comments box because blogger does not always allow me to click your name and access your blog.

ONE entry per HOUR per human please, yes you read that right, you can enter this bad boy HOURLY. Remember your cat, dog, iguana, fish, scorpion, gerbil, hermit crab, etc do NOT qualify for this contest. Humans must be 18 yrs or older to enter. Entry period closes at 11:59 pm EASTERN standard time on May 30, 2007. A winner will be chosen and announced on or around May 31 2007. The winner will be posted on this blog and will have 72 hours to claim their prize. Should they not respond within 72 hour an alternate winner will be drawn.

I’m keeping this floating at the top, so scroll down for fresh content

sex - sex - sex

um no, try again

sex sex sex

are you trying to say SIX?

yes

so you think our phone number is six six six?

Yes!

that could explain THIS

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weekly weigh in with Tales from the Scales

Well, I cant tell you for sure

At the beginning of the week I was down 2 lbs, then somehow - overnight mind you- I am up 9 lbs? So up nine pounds but wearing smaller clothing? I noticed my legs were a bit swollen so I must be doing some kind of crazy water retention thing. I’m upping my water intake and calling this week a wash as far as loss or gain. There’s no way I gain 9lbs of fat over night but there is no way I can claim those 2 lbs that I lost before all this weirdness happened. Nearest I can guess is this is the week my period would be happening if I wasn’t on The Pill and nursing.

I FINALLY watched Borat last night. Got a good giggle or two but something has me confounded. Why do they blackout Borat’s twig and berries when the rest of the movie is rampant with more exposed schlong then a whore house on half off night?

Gather ’round ye bloggosphere, it’s that time again. Step up, unburden your soul and seek to reap the rewards of bringing a good laugh to others.

Forgive me bloggers for I have sinned, it has been several weeks since my last confession. This week has been fraught with mucus. It has packed my sinuses, squirted from my eyeballs and dripped from my ears.

Today as I lay in bed with my tiny nursling, a sneeze most gigantic wracked my body. A fountain of clear snort rocketed from my nostril straight into the air. From my perspective it seemed to tickle the ceiling before descending back to earth with a sickening SPLAT. Plastered across my face it was, my friends. I could think of nothing but removing it from my eyebrows. My hand sought out the first thing I could find, it happened to be a nicely folded undershirt, and I mopped that magic nose goblin clean off. My nursling began to clamor for more teat, quickly all was forgotten.

Later The Hubster grabbed up said shirt and exclaimed “What the *****?” (I had to spare you dear reader, for it was a word most foul, one I’m sure will be repeated as my nursling’s first word because that is precisely my luck.)

Here dear reader is where I veer from the path of righteousness.

“EEEWWW that looks like a dog goober to me, darling dear Hubster of mine”

The dog looked at me with his soft brown eyes as if to say “What the ****?” Well, at least we know where the dog is getting his foul language from.

We all know that advertising, by nature, requires spin. An adverb here, a slick picture there, but the general nugget of truth remains. Well, at least the general nugget of truth should remain.

There is a lot of this spin stuff in blogging. How many of you would be here today if I wrote entries like :

Husband painted bedroom green, the children watched.

What? Sorry I fell asleep typing that.

Instead I trot out my SAT vocabulary and work to dazzle you. Ok, for me it’s not THAT much work. My brain seems to narrate things in vivid word play, it’s almost like having a voice over in your head all.the.time. Sometimes I even have to yell at my narrator to shut up and remind myself to live the moment.

I have wandered from my intended path, let’s veer back. This post is actually about furniture, used furniture. With my house finally nearing (oh god have I been saying this phrase for almost three years now?) the final FINAL inspection, finally, I have started browsing around for used furniture. Craigslist has been my venue of choice. It’s provided me with hours of “Oh my GOD, someone bought THAT and is now trying to sell it to me for HOW much?” and “pristine condition my ass!” There are some slick sellers who manage to lure me in, thus far, every last one I’ve checked out has left me dizzy from the excessive spinning.

There is nothing more I love then to trot out to some strangers house, hoping that they won’t ax murder me while I check the dovetailing on their dresser drawers, and discover that ‘dovetailed construction’ actually means press board and dowel rod construction. ‘Shabby Chic Distressed’ is code for: it fell out the back of the pick up truck and was drug 6 miles down a dirt road, peeling off half the veneer and finally landing in a patch of bat guano. The term ‘Vintage’ some how has been twisted to apply to dual recliner Lazy Boy sectionals from the “Full House” era and ‘antique’ means so filthy we can’t tell exactly what it is nor how old it is. Often people will also tell you items are from a pet and smoke free home. They seem to think that you’re not going to notice the cat giving birth on the Shabby Chic Distressed leather (*cough cough* PLEATHER) couch you came to look at.

All I ask is for a little less spin and a little more honesty. This seller has the right idea and so does she.

Work that farmer’s tan baby! Lunge lunge! Ah what great fun to heckle The Hubster from the door way. After the Hubster spent the better part of Saturday primering and painting the ceilings I’ve been banned from wielding a paint brush or roller anywhere near said precious freshly painted ceilings.

I will admit to getting a little overly zealous with a roller and leaving a speckle or splotch or twelve on the ceiling but really. Banning me? ME? Artist extraordinaire not allowed to touch paint?

I guess I’ll get over it, especially since I get the privilege of watching paint dry.
I never knew that watching paint dry was actually an exciting spectator sport. In my home though, it’s right up there with The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.

I sneeze and it feels like glass shards are shooting out of my ears. My nasal passages burn like I’ve snorted an economy sized bottle of Lysterine and thick webs of clear mucusy stuff hangs down the back of my throat - pretty picture eh?

Tessa seems to be succumbing to a similar creeping funk. One of her ears is particularly painful. Normally I keep a garlic oil and willow bar tincture in the fridge for just such emergencies, apparently it was beamed up to outer space because it has gone missing. Instead, I crushed up some garlic cloves and let them set in warmed olive oil for 20 minutes or so**. I strained out the garlic chunks and then was stumped. I couldn’t remember how many drops I should put in her ear. I tried Googling (oh yes Google me baby) to find the answer and… well.. um… yeah. I found a lot of links about putting a certain part of the male anatomy into certain head orifices (PS this doesn’t cure an ear infection). When my husband walked in and read the Google hits over my shoulder he gave me this weird side long glance (you know the one: half hopeful, half afraid) and waggled his eyebrows at me lasciviously. Considering my current health status he had a snowballs chance in hell of getting anything and though I may be addicted to Qtips, it’s not an open invitation to stick THAT in my ear.

A few weeks ago I signed up for a contest that’s giving away $3000 worth of gift cards from a new search engine called Light Iris. I clicked over and started searching for my answer. Right away, I actually found the information I needed (just a few drops should do it) without having to wade through 300 porn hits. In light of this I think I will stop spending “the witching hour” a my home Googling “Cranky baby” and instead start Lighting ? Irising ? (I need to think of a good verb for this), maybe someone’s got something I haven’t tried yet.

**Yes this is very Martha Stewarty of me, only if I was Martha I would have done it in a beautiful antique Persian glass bottle accented with a pottery blue grosgrain ribbon, instead of in a shot glass. I promise more homemade fun in the near future. Once this creeping funk leaves me, I’m going to make my own laundry detergent (won’t THAT be ripe for blog fodder!)

~*~**~*
If you are here from Tales from The Scales you’ll have to scroll down two posts to see my weigh in, in my sickened state I can’t seem to keep the days of the week straight.

If you are visiting form The Orlando Sentinel Parenting Blog, Welcome and drop me a comment neighbor. My Baby Loves Disco run down is the post directly below this one.

Baby Loves Disco has officially landed in Down Town Otown.

The Place: Club Firestone

The Music: Kid friendly Disco and Dance Beats spun by DJ Sandy

What you see here is pure unadulterated kid bliss. Bubbles, fog, hula hoops, shakers, and scarves make the dance floor irresistible to the tiny tike set. From the moment we entered my kids eyes rounded out to silver dollar size. There was so much to see and do. My girls had a hard time choosing where to start. The FREE face painting by Posh Parenting won.

While the girls were getting gussied up, The Hubster snuck over and signed us up for complimentary chair massage by A-Team Massage.

Next up DANCING! We shook, we spun, we jumped, we laid down the boogie. Levi was safely tucked into my sling, he too was wide eyed as a ring tailed lemur. At some point or another every single person in the joint was dancing with the kids. It was awesome to see grown ups shed their inhibitions. The whole club blew up when Play That Funky Music White Boy came on. It’s one of those songs that everyone knows the words to and can’t help but sing along.

Raging thirst bowled us over and we headed towards the complimentary food spread. Fruit, Veggies, Pretzles, Chips, Dips, Salsa, Gold Fish, and Cookies were ripe for noshing while Juicy Juice boxes tamed tot’s thirst. Parents could opt to buy refreshing adult beverages from the bar too. I think my kids ate their ticket prices in cantaloupe alone. I took this pit stop to nurse Levi (woot! public nursing without so much as one STINK EYE cast in my direction. This may be a first for me, people).

The Hubster and I took turns on kid patrol while we each got our massages done. Heaven, just heaven. I was entirely embarrassed when I peeled my face back from the paper to discover I had drooled everywhere during my blissful 10 minutes. Kasha, I was putty in your hands. I’m sure you will be hearing from me very VERY soon.

Next we hit the upstairs chillout room. Holy toy explosion batman! Timmy’s Toy Chest pulled out all the stops. TeePees, Train table, Thomas the tank engine, big wheels, dress up clothes, tents, stuffed animals, books, pillows, and infant toys as far as the eye could see. It was the perfect place to spent a little after eating down time. Timmy’s Toy Chest was even holding a raffle for a $40 gift certificate (got my fingers crossed to win this one).

Soon after arriving upstairs, Levi let me know that we’d have to try out the diaper changing station. Wee Willy Winks had changing pads lined with super soft fleece blankets, tushie wipes and hand sanitizer all laid out. Once Levi was cleaned up I had to pry the fleece blankie from his iron grasp.

Ignore The Hubster and his “You better not be taking pictures for your blog” face, instead focus on the cute baby who is memorized by the bubbles and lights (on an aside, he is wearing a size 12 months onesie in this picture 12 months! This was a win from Resa Design ).

When the time came to head home, my children begged to go back next Sunday. They are aghast at the idea of waiting an entire month for the next party, though the balloons and Baby Legs swag helped dry up their tears.

If you live even remotely close to a city that has Baby Loves Disco, GO. If your city doesn’t have baby Loves Disco yet, why not help get it started.

PS I JUST got a call from Timmy’s Toy Chest, I WON the $40 gift certificate!! *happy dance* How exciting. I’m heading over there this week to pick out some toys.

Despite two unavoidable forays into the drive through of Burger King this week I am down 1 pound since last weeks weigh in. I cut dairy from my diet to see if it would impact my son’s screaminess. It seems to have helped not only Levi, but my ass too. On Friday night I was trying on clothes in a size I haven’t worn in over a year. I hope all of you who are playing along in Blogland are finding success on your weight loss journey.