It started as a preemptive apology. I was taking antidepressants and wasn’t the best mom. I would sit and search for hours, looking for other moms like me. I heard murmurings of these things called blogs, online diaries. It sounded appealing, like something I would actually keep up with. In December of 2004 I started my blog, without really knowing what one was.

I did have a goal in mind. I needed a space to rant and remember. I desperately wanted to leave something behind, something my girls could read and maybe one day understand. I think I laid it out best in my first blog post:

“perhaps someone else will find this and think “THANK GOD I’M NOT ALONE!” perhaps one day my kids will read it and understand and maybe even forgive me for all the nuttiness I put them through. “

Those early days were rough ones. My posts often burst forth, riddled with anger and angst and for some odd reason often in letter form. I wrote about my kids, but mostly I wrote about me. I railed against the “mommy blogger” image, wanting to be so much more then one of those sappy ladies all the other bloggers poked fun at. I thought that my commenters would pack up and leave should I indulge myself in posting about my kids too often. My first comment was like crack, I was addicted and needed more. For a brief period I blogged to inspire comments, abandoning my purpose. Then I found her, Teenpulp and she sounded like me and had a kid and liked Beck and posted about her kid but still sounded like me. She wasn’t some MomBot or Motherhood nazi, she was a person who was a mom and had no problem talking about herself and her kid. She talked about motherhood and it wasn’t all sunshine up your ass and roses. She may mention chores but it wasn’t a list of ‘3200 reasons to smile while you mop’. She liberated me.

From there it’s been a non stop love in of kid close ups, mothering mishaps, and marital moments. Joy and fear, autism and insanity, there is little I have held back. For me this is actually more then just a diary, it’s an exercise in loving myself. Here is where I indulge my passions. I parade my art around and roll out writings. I bring you too the moments - visually and mentally - unleash my perspective, and hope to elicit emotions. Though I started out hoping to merely document the ride, I’ve found myself wanting to take you (all of you, the whole damn internet) on this journey with me.

Thanks to Her Bad Mother for tagging me with this BlogRhet meme and encouraging me to reflect. All you bloggers out there have inspired me, pushed me to better myself, and helped me through these crazy mixed up teen motherhood years. Through your writings, I have honed my own voice.