Back-to-school shopping is a nightmare. I would voluntarily peel all the flesh from my frame with a spork in exchange for a closet full of hip, modest, properly fitting clothing for my 5-year-old daughter.

Yes, I am that desperate.

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“Please Ma’am Please I just need $20 of sales to get a slap bracelet!” I’m sure I looked like a hard up Pixie Stix junkie the way I would hop and jump, rounding my eyes out for maximum pathetic size, brimming them with tears and letting loose with the deadly lip tremble (that only really works on anyone without kids). My parents would cast me out into the neighborhood to do my school’s dirty work. My mother would not ask of her friends, my father would not take order forms to work and brow beat his employees into purchases. I was alone in this multilevel marketing scam,thrust into a seedy underworld of guilting neighbors and grandparents, of knocking *gasp* on strangers doors.

I remember myself as the only kid who went and knocked on the door of the murder house. A year earlier our neighbor had been savagely shot and slashed while in his shower, my friends father discovered him nearly a week after his demise and the talk in the neighborhood was that his ghost walked that house howling for revenge. The people who subsequently moved in were treated like lepers but being a savvy kid,I was not going to let a murder, a possible ghost and the idea that the new people might be murder loving, corpse eating, zombie freaks stand between me and the Barbie Corvette I could earn by selling $300 worth of wrapping paper, ribbons, bows, and gift tags. After securing a 69 cent gift tag sale from the meek woman who peered out the door of the murder house, I was a neighborhood hero, though in the end a hero without a Barbie Corvette. I did manage to get that slap bracelet after my mother found me bawling over having only sold $1.83 worth of wrapping paper and accessories. Grudgingly she lifted the checkbook from her purse and wrote out a check for around $18.00 worth of the ugliest gaudiest wrapping paper to ever be inflicted upon the human eye. It lingered in our closet for years, though my slap bracelet was quickly taken away at school when I dared to publicly slap it onto my wrist (the county givith and the county takith away for the next sales drive I suppose).

I spent the best years of elementary school with neighbors door shutting in my face. I can’t blame them really. How many rolls of dove stamped gold leme wrapping paper can one home truly use? How many people want to fork over a dollar for a sub par chocolate bar that’s been melting in the stinky back pack of an eight year old? And who can afford to $25 dollars for a book of coupons that will never be used, right after spending hundreds of dollars to get your kid ready for their “free” government sponsored education? Not me.

I returned her sales packet with a note stating that we would not be participating in the sales drive. Long time readers may recognize this entry, it’s a redux from last year. If the pattern repeats it’s self, next month we will be asked to sell some crappy food stuffs which we can not ourselves consume being on a gluten free diet. The following month will bring us wrapping paper then… well you get the picture and it’s ugly.
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On a different note, click over HERE and find out how to ease the pain of preteen and teenagerdom

Bust out the Mom Jeans

and slap a pair on your husband, sons, and daughters.

**Cue dueling banjos Deliverance-esq mood**

Shreveport and Alexandria have voted to join 4 other Louisiana towns in a butt crack ban, threatening the very existence of bayou Bubba’s, gumbo gangstas, and that pesky old Constitution thing.

Nobody can be arrested just for violating the ordinance, but they could be fined or required to perform community service. The maximum fine for a first offense is $100.

Alexandria’s City Council voted unanimously Tuesday to ban the baring. Its ordinance allows some sag, but 3 inches or more can bring a fine of $25 to $200 and a requirement for community service.

Apparently, Atlanta’s City Council has held meetings over similar measures, sorry Kristen

What has me scratching my head over this whole hullabaloo is enforcement. Are these cities so rife with law abiding citizens that the police have nothing better to do then measure my crack? Is the court system embarrassingly devoid of cases to try?

:::Now hearing case 4995 The People Vs Fidget’s butt. How do you plead to the charges of exposing your granny panties to all of 4th avenue when you bent over to tie your daughters sneaker? ::::

::Not guilty your honor by reason of muffin top::

Career Day will certainly be more interesting now,

“When I grow up I want to be a police assifer”

remember kids, crack kills

I’m off to run the parking gauntlet. If you don’t hear from me by tomorrow send some of those Saint Bernards with brandy casks around their necks.

“Tessie, do you want a pickle?”

“Yes! A pickle and some grapes!”

“uhhhhhh, how about just a pickle?”

It’s ok folks, she’s only three. No grandma Fidget yet.

“Since I scraped up the front door replacing the jamb and never got around to finishing the back door, I think we just need to repaint the doors. ”

“MMMM, sounds like a good idea”

“A different color…..”

“(huge sigh) Well I guess that’s ok” (secretly thinking YES YES YES This rocks!)

“I don’t mean to insult your paint choice, I’ve just never liked the door color”

“Well, (sniffle) I value your opinion and if you really don’t like it, I’ll look for something else” (teehee!)

I confess, I’ve never liked the front door color. The word loath comes to mind. It was chosen out of spite. I wanted a very specific purple color. I sought out chips high and low from big box stores to tiny specialty shops- apparently this color only exists in my mind. After several weeks I was pissed and had run out of time. It was one of those “FINE, you want me to pick a less then perfect color because you need it now? FINE! This one!” At first I was just happy to have the door painted, even if I was a color I didn’t particularly like. Pretty quickly I came to hate it. Now, I have permission to resume my purple search and I didn’t even have to whine about it. If I can’t find the right one this time, I think I’ll be a little more careful choosing my backup color.

In other home front headlines we went from this:

to (now don’t go fainting on me)

Yes, every time I snapped a picture The Hubster muttered something about me and the damn camera or hollered “Stop taking my picture, you’re distracting me!” YES, that IS flooring. No, it’s not done but it’s started. This is the little room in the front which we are turning into our library/sitting/only-clean-place-in-the-house room. We actually got this started while all three kids were home. Levi decided to bestow upon us the rare gift of a long nap and the girls were not interested in “helping.” They didn’t want to ruin their nails

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Don’t forget to click over to my CONTEST tab and enter the Blogstavaganza to win one of 4 fantastic prize packs. You can enter every day until Sept 22nd!

Today I want to tell you about all sorts of fun things that have been going on in Fidgetdise, like how the other night I was surreptitiously lactating into my purse, but I think you might find my long anticipated Blogstravaganza a bit more titillating (God, I love being punny.. cause lactating.. titillating.. :::crickets::: um yeah uh never mind… ) . Where was I? Oh yes, Blogstravaganza! I know you’ve read mention of it and I know you are dying to find out exactly what it is. Well, right off you should know it is better then bacon, it is better then this and even better then this! Shocking I know, cause really how can one top that? There is one thing that trumps all. FREE! I love FREE! I bet you love FREE! too. FREE! is even more fun when you WIN something for FREE! Did someone say WIN?

To celebrate the launch of Finding Yourself Despite Yourself’s new look and location (right here), I am happy to roll out the red winning carpet for my readers with the launch of Blogstravaganza! Everyday until Saturday September 22nd at 11:59 pm EST you may enter to win a fabulous array of kick butt prizes by filling out the contact form below. I bring you our fabulous prizes !

Prize A is brought to you by a fantastically talented jewelry designer and dear friend of mine, Glamorosi. Aesthetically her pieces have it all. They are artfully designed, eye catching, pleasing pallets, exquisite craftsWomanship, and high quality materials. Glamorosi’s work is for sale in her Etsy shop and you can catch a peek into her glamor world on her blog.

Prize A Glamorosi Pearl Cascade Earrings
Freshwater pearls and sterling silver form a dramatic cascade for these slinky “shoulder duster” earrings by Glamorosi. ARV $90.

Prize B is a two-fer brought to you by Wee Willie Winks and Beans and Sprouts.

Wee Willie Winks brings to you a revolutionary and affordable way to sleep comfortably while pregnant, The Comfort Case

The Comfort Case is a wonderful alternative to expensive body pillows and wedges. It is basically two pillowcases attached end to end with a center-connecting panel. The center panel assists in keeping the pillows in place and offers the flexibility of many different configurations and support options. Courtesy of Wee Willie Winks, Prize B contains a lovely green comfort case

Also included in Prize B is a $25 gift certificate to Beans and Sprouts Etsy Store, where modern meets baby. I have had the pleasure of experiencing Beans and Sprouts goodies first hand. I am in love with the fun products and especially enjoying how well made her items are. Beans and Sprouts has awesome baby must haves for boys and girls

You can visit Beans and Sprouts blog where you can also enter to win one of her cute bibs through August 31.

Prize C is another two-fer brought to you by Sunshine’s Designs and Karla Creative

Sunshine Designs offers a wide variety of shirts with crystal logos and designs. You can even put in custom orders! Sunshine’s Designs is offering a free crystal designed tee up to $50 in value ! Stop by the store or visit Sunshine at her blog.

Also, as part of Prize C, Karla Creative has made up some awesome coasters to help keep your furniture free of those nasty furniture marring sweaty drink rings.

Set of 4 drink coasters are made from completely machine washable/dryable materials and they are very absorbent! Plus in fun bright colors they are much harder to lose track of! The back of these coasters is the same striped material you see on the front.

Prize D is a baby girl’s dream brought to you by Karla Creative and Mama Grouch

Karla Creative brings you a 0-3 month camo princess onesie dress is made using a Gerber onesie
and 100% cotton fabrics. In the summer it can be worn as is and in the cooler months it can be paired with a long sleeve shirt or sweater and tights. The convenience of a onesie the fun of a baby dress! I have had the pleasure of checking out Karla’s things in person. She is the talented seamstress behind Levi’s quilt. You can find more dress styles as well as drink coasters in Karla’s Etsy Shop

Mama Grouch is not currently selling items online as she is preparing for local craft shows but lucky for you I was able to brow beat her into sponsoring a prize. Using one of my favorite fabrics Mama Grouch has appliquéd this delight for your space age little miss.

You can visit Mama Grouch at her blog and urge her to get sewing. Mama Grouch makes some fantastically fun items and I am currently trying to cajole her into making Levi one of her robots

Everyday until Saturday September 22nd at 11:59 pm EST you may enter to win a fabulous array of kick butt prizes by filling out the contact form below. Please put “WIN” on the subject line and include your name, valid email address, and in the body of the contact form your home address. Your address is necessary to prevent cheating and all entries submitted without an address are subject to disqualification. I promise to never release your information to anyone for purposes other then prize fulfillment and you will never be spammed by me.

The contest is open to folks residing in the US and Canada. One entry per household per day. No P.O. Boxes please. I reserve the right to end the contest early if there is rampant abuse and or cheating. My sponsors reserve the right to provide you with a prize equal to or greater then the value of the listed prizes should something unexpectedly become unavailable. Prizes will be shipped directly from the above merchants. Good Luck!

Dear U Can’t Finish University,

Apparently the seven or so multilevel parking garages located on your campus are not adequate. I just lost a good chunk of my morning driving in circles, burning ungodly amounts of gas, trying desperately to find a parking space while my baby shrieked with displeasure and my three year old whined. You offer some very nice programs through your psychology and counseling departments, that is if people can afford to wait the 17 months it took you to work in my eldest child, but I digress on that point because this is not a rant about how sorely underfunded and understaffed your outreach departments are. No, this is a rant about 74 minutes. To be more specific, the 74 minute I spent circling your campus looking for a parking space.

My destination today was your community outreach counseling clinic. Your grad students and professors offer free counseling in exchange for the learning experience. You guide a wide variety of people though batteries of tests, simple therapies and more complex sessions which, for some people, are the only thing keeping them from hurling themselves from atop one of your many full parking structures. I know I thought about driving my minivan gangbusters style over the roof of the garage and calling it parked where ever it landed. I had these thoughts and the appointment wasn’t even for me! Due to these special circumstances, silly me expects you to have designated parking for your community clinic. Apparently the university disagrees and thinks it is perfectly fine for someone who is tenuously hanging on by a proverbial thread to throw themselves into the extreme fighting arena that is campus parking.

57 minutes into this exercise in futility, I called a friend to seek out your direct phone line via the internet but when I called the number no one answered. 66 Minutes later the appropriate person returned my call and apologized profusely, offering to reschedule for next week. I agreed and hightailed it off campus, a move which I am now regretting. I should have realized sooner that it would take me till next Wednesday to successfully locate a parking space and hike to my appointment.

In closing, I would like to suggest that you convert your newly built stadium into yet another parking structure or maybe supply all incoming freshman with jet packs. Of course, you always could just designate 10 or so parking spots to Outreach Clinic patients only.

Sincerely (pissed),

Fidget

What the heck is happening here?

Recently (15 days ago can still be considered recently right?) LandisMom so kindly tagged me (I must point out while she tagged the proper URL, Mrs Thang has not yet changed her blogroll link to my new address *cough cough* Of course I put about 5 links on my links page and got distracted, no doubt by something sparkly and pretty and ooo what’s this…). Ugh, um, so she dubbed me as a Power Schmoozer and now I in turn will schmooze a bit more by turning over this lovely badge to some other power schmoozers. I love my power schmoozers. They drop regular comments, email me and generally let me know that my writing is not swirling out there in cyberspace unread and unloved. Some of my more commentoriffic power schoozers include her, her and of course her. Recently I stumbled onto this gal and we’ve been schmoozing via email. My ultimate schmoozer has been a bit lax lately but I’ll forgive her since she was recently knocking on death’s door, but I will still replace her schmoozer nomination with this chick, who used to all kinds of schmooze me but for some reason her computer does not like to play well with my new commenting system.

On an entirely different note, Thank you to everyone who took the time to comment and email me about Mira’s 1st day of school. She made it home, as you all predicted, in one piece and smiling. Also if you’ve got 2-6 yr olds you might be interested in this