Back-to-school shopping is a nightmare. I would voluntarily peel all the flesh from my frame with a spork in exchange for a closet full of hip, modest, properly fitting clothing for my 5-year-old daughter.
Yes, I am that desperate.
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“Please Ma’am Please I just need $20 of sales to get a slap bracelet!” I’m sure I looked like a hard up Pixie Stix junkie the way I would hop and jump, rounding my eyes out for maximum pathetic size, brimming them with tears and letting loose with the deadly lip tremble (that only really [...] Bust out the Mom Jeans and slap a pair on your husband, sons, and daughters. **Cue dueling banjos Deliverance-esq mood** Shreveport and Alexandria have voted to join 4 other Louisiana towns in a butt crack ban, threatening the very existence of bayou Bubba’s, gumbo gangstas, and that pesky old Constitution thing. Nobody can be arrested just [...] I’m off to run the parking gauntlet. If you don’t hear from me by tomorrow send some of those Saint Bernards with brandy casks around their necks. “Tessie, do you want a pickle?” “Yes! A pickle and some grapes!” “uhhhhhh, how about just a pickle?” It’s ok folks, she’s only three. No grandma Fidget yet. |
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