By the time my 1st trimester closes I have usually undergone a slew of ultrasounds, batteries of tests, and had 2 or so bleeding scares. This time is different. I have had two ultrasounds. One for a cyst, where they found a gestational sac and one a week later to see if it was viable. I have not seen a baby form, though I know thumper is in there with her/his heart beating away. This is the way things should be, but have never before been.

Losing two pregnancies in a row right off the bat robbed me of much of the joy in pregnancy. Each trip to the restroom, I have to look for blood. Every ultrasound, I hold my breath until I can see or hear the heart beating. Each cramp is a potential disaster and my dreams are fraught with realistic and terrifying nightmares of loss. Blend all of that with some interesting high risk challenges and you have a circus of intervention.

I have always dreamed of having a pregnancy that was not a crisis. A pregnancy where no one is pushing amnios and terbutaline pumps. I am not opposed to what I know needs to be done- after 12 weeks and approximately every 4-6 week have an ultrasound to check on the condition of the baby and placenta due to the Heparin, taking my Heparin shots, blood draws to check my bleeding time, and possibly inducing labor.

What I do not understand is a doctor pushing me to take use medications that have not worked for me in the past, causing more harm then good and doctors ordering excessive and invasive treatments to prevent labor only to practically yank the baby from my womb when things take an “unexpected” turn south. I don’t understand the use of pitocin when I am laboring well on my own, nor do I understand the constant badgering to consent to an epidural or something to “take the edge off.” I didn’t get it when my last birth turned into a three ring circus complete with gawking student nurses. Apparently months later, my unmedicated birth left such an impression that an acquaintance who went to the same hospital to birth heard about me!

I do not want my newborn ripped from me, held captives for hours or days and subjected to unnecessary and expensive tests. I don’t want to battle the nursing staff for the right to breastfeed my child or the right to hold him all night long even if I have been discharged and he has not. I don’t want to feel like the staff is looking for something to do, someone to use this fancy! shiny! new! medical equipment on. I just want to have a baby like millions of women before me- peacefully, unburdened, and in rhythm with my body.

Losing babies made me feel broken. I’ve never fully regained trust in my body and don’t know that I ever will. Every medical intervention erodes away at what confidence I have built back and though I am a strong person, though I have a strong voice, every time they pull the “dead baby card” on me I have to worry what if.. because I have faced that before.. and never want to again.

This time I am aiming for a doctor who agrees with my less is more. I am looking for a smaller hospital with more personal attention and less procedure lust. I am hoping for no preterm labor and a natural minimally medical birth, resulting in a healthy happy baby and some soul healing for me.

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For less tearful reading you should check this out. Christmas is coming fast.