Please Pardon My French Today
::::::::::::Warning I am about to let the language fly::::::::::::::::::::::::::
I’m not kidding, don’t click ‘more’ unless you can stomach some sailor talk
Dear Thieving Mother Fuckers,
At 4 am as I stood naked in my kitchen enjoying an icy cold glass of water, I heard you. You opened my screen door. At first I thought I was nuts.
What was that click? That sounded like the screen door? Naw it couldn’t be the screen door it’s *squints at clock* exactly 4am and The Hubster and all kiddies are tucked in their bed, OMG that was the screen door hissing and slamming! SOMEONE IS ON MY PORCH!!!
:::::::::::::Dog begins barking, growling, snarling and hurling his bulk into the one thin door that separates me from the dregs of society::::::::::::::::::I flip on screen porch light, only light is not coming on, although the fan is on high and starts whirling madly:::::::::::::::::::::
Take THAT you dirty bastard thief!
::::::::::::::::I run and wake The Hubster who flies from bed, grabs a bat and the dogs. He opens the porch door, turning 120lbs of teeth and home protection fury out into the night. I jumped in bed, cowering, and cuddle Levi who by now was W I D E awake and ready to play. No one is sighted so The Hubster after checking both the front and backyards, returns to bed::::::::::::
This morning I called the police and as I talked with the officer, I noticed the empty Amazon.com box was not where I had left it. Hey genius, did you really think I was leave a HUGE box of goodies on my front porch for your nasty thieving ass to swipe?I hope my dog gave you a fucking heart attack, though it would have been much sweeter had he sunk his teeth into your shitty crime committing carcass. Stay away from my fucking house.
Sincerely,
Fidget
December 19th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
HOLY CRAP. That must have been absolutely terrifying! I’m glad you happened to wake up for a glass of water at just the right time. Are you going to be able to sleep, ever again?
December 19th, 2007 at 2:55 pm
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, a coworker rounded a corner outside to see legs and feet sticking out of my car window. Being of the brave sort, he yelled and ran after the legs as they sprinted for the exit, unable to scale the 6′ fence that surrounded the property. The legs alluded my coworker and the police arrived and asked my what was missing. As far as I could tell, my only loss aside from the broken window was a $10 cd/cassette adapter. My coworker asked if I was certain since he was sure the legs were carrying some sort of purse.
It was at this point I sprouted and ear-to-ear grin and a case of the giggles. You see, I spent a lot of time in my car between work and school and decided that an old backpack that had broken straps made for a more attractive trash receptacle than a large McD’s bag or see through grocery bag. Here’s to the garbage bandits, may they get exactly what they deserve.
December 19th, 2007 at 4:37 pm
Oh my goodness. I’m so glad you are OK. I hope you can sleep tonight!
December 19th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
Whoa! Thank goodness for big loud doggies and men with baseball bats!
December 19th, 2007 at 9:21 pm
Holy crap!! That is frickin scary, glad all was ok. May I suggest you leave a box on the door step next time full of dog shit??? If there going to take something it may as well be what they are worth
December 19th, 2007 at 11:01 pm
Yeah. it’s 11pm and I am broke ass tired. I am afraid to go to bed ! This also has me rethinking the whole kid bedroom matrix. BAH!
December 20th, 2007 at 12:29 am
Same thing happened to us in September, well almost. My parents were visiting and my hubby was out of town. My mom realized there was someone IN the living room as she was coming out of the bathroom for a 1 am potty break. He went out the window, she started screaming and dad and I flipped out. My 3 year old how ever slept through all the screaming and runing and wailing.
I’m so glad they went away from the door and not in.
December 20th, 2007 at 9:28 am
Wow! I’m so glad that you are all okay.