I am such a reckless mother. I’ve been throwing my kiddles into the backyard as often as I can, knowing full well that there are RATS!! Rats the size of my 12lb mini pin!! We have an untidy neighbor who’s backyard is a cross between a filthy dog kennel and a junk yard. He has a breeding pair of pit bulls that are strictly outdoor creatures. Between their dog food and my compost heap these RATS! have been living high on the hog.

The Hubster, quit fortunately, works in a pest eradication industry and on the day I called him screaming and foaming at the mouth after spotting a huge pair of RATS! fighting over some food, The Hubster brought home a bait box. I’m fairly certain he felt I was telling some fish tale when I told him how large the RATS! I saw were, for he only loaded the bait box with 4 bricks of tasty tasty poison. Of course, when the bricks disappeared practically overnight The Hubster was more then a little freaked and the next go around he packed the box full of meaty blood thinners for our RAT! friends.

A few days after he left that beefy bomb for our plague carrying pests, Rocket was out in the yard prancing about. On his yard patrol he found a gift, which he lovingly left just a step away from our back door…

DEAD RAT!!!

Yes, I photographed it- after shrieking and dancing around shouting “eww eww eww oh my god, oh my god, eww eww eww!” The girls, on the other hand, were quite excited and stood at the door watching the DEAD RAT! while I tried to ignore the fact that there was a big fat rodent rotting outside my door.

“Mama, where’s the rat going?”

“Um, what? Going? It’s not going anywhere it’s DEAD”

“The rat is moving mama”

*picture me sprinting to the door, boobs akimbo and Bo hanging off me completely bewildered*

Holy flying poop, the RAT! was moving!! OMG OMG OMG eww eww eww!!! I went and laid Bo down, tucked my boobs back into my shirt and went outside to inspect the situation, ready to whack the RAT! with a shovel if need be.

Once outside it was obvious that the RAT! was very dead but that *SOMETHING* was dragging it down into the plastic pallet. What? I have no idea because it was digging UP from underneath!!!!!! This *SOMETHING* proceeded to bury the RAT!, leaving only it’s tail hanging out of the ground. I ran inside lest it bury me too and called The Hubster, who of course thought I was insane. Then Boden started crying and I wound up distracted for a good hour.

Once Bo was resettled and the other children were busy eating, I snuck back outside to see if that thing finished burying the rat. Imagine my surprise when I realized THE ENTIRE DEAD RAT WAS GONE! Poof! Abracadabra! GONE. (cue dramatic music)**DUN DUN DUUUNNNNNNNNNNN**

When Troy got home he yanked the pallet out of the ground and turned over all the dirt in the area up to a foot deep- no RAT!, no RAT! tail, no RAT! bones, no RAT! fur pieces… completely GONE. There was, however, a sharp putrid stench which made us both gag. Fortunately for me I was weird enough to take a picture (ha! blogging habits DO come in handy), so I had hard proof of our furry friend’s existence, leaving The Hubster as baffled as I.

So, now I have 2 problems- a RAT! infestation because my neighbors wont clean up their toxic backyard and some freaking dirt monster that’s eating dead rodents outside my door

What lives underground and eats dead RATS!?? seriously?? For a few days I kept the kids inside under house arrest. They were climbing the walls but in my mind, odds are if it eats dead rats, it probably eats children too. However, I had a change of heart after I ripped out half my hair from being trapped in the house with 47 children for what felt like 2 years. I knew I’d feel awfully sad if the dirt monster got my kids but I figured the damn thing probably keeled over after eating a 12lb poison laden RAT! carcass.

Tomorrow I’m hosting play date. Here’s hoping none of our little friends get toted off by either the RATS! or our mystery dirt monster. I don’t think my home owners insurance covers dirt monster attacks.