I came this.close to punching out a chick at Publix last night, seriously this.close. My coupons saved her brittle little life. Had I not been in the midst of sorting my savings bonanza for the very patient cashier I probably would have decked her and then gnawed her ear off ala Mike Tyson.

I could tell she didn’t have any children of her own. Her obvious lack of knowledge about Mom hearing gave her away. I may have needed the cashier to repeat “paper or plastic” but I could certainly hear her whispering to her boyfriend about how AWFUL my cart of food was and how she COULD NOT BELIEVE someone would feed that to children. Oh and let’s not forget the part where she said “no wonder she’s tubby!” Then, when said boyfriend pointed out all my fruits & veg she rolled her eyes and hissed “oh you know that’s just for show!” I know you all, just like myself, consider it critical for street cred’ to drop $40 on produce- what’s the point of life if you can’t impress the cashier and the 14 year old bagger?

I stood there counting my coupons and splitting them into scannable and competitor coupons with visible fury creeping up my neck. I tried hard not to take note of her pathetic basket full of fat free chemicals and 42 cans of cat food. Judging by that haul, the boyfriend won’t be around for long. Maybe, that’s what has embittered her?

By now I’m sure you’re wondering what heinous crap I’m buying. Other then my produce there was 3 gallons of milk, carton of heavy whipping cream, 2 dozen eggs, 4lb brisket, box of wine, jug of honey, 3lbs of ground chuck, sliced almonds, turkey pepperoni, $20 of various cheeses, corn tortillas, wild rice, 16 single serve yogurts, baking supplies, various other stuffs, and my sale items. My completely horrifying, irresistibly cheap sale items included:

14 boxes of hamburger/chicken/tuna helper - total cost + .35 THEY PAID ME to buy it!! on sale at Publix BOGO (buy one get one free) and then each box had a $1 off of 1 peelie coupon on it. I was able to use 1 peelie per box - BOGO meansI could use 2 peelies. It’s $1.95 / box so on bogo $1.95 = 2 boxes. $1.95 - $2 in coupons = net profit of .05 per 2 boxes. I gave 10 boxes to family and am going back today to try and score some more.

8 boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch - total cost -$7.96. That is less then a dollar a box people and it wasn’t the puny little boxes either, it’s the big 24.9 ozers. This was also on BOGO. Normally each box is $4.99. Then I used the same peelies from the Hamburger Helper boxes (swiped few extra) for $1 off each box of cereal AND target.com has a printable coupon for $1 two boxes of general Mills cereal. My publix takes competitors coupons and you can stack a store coupon (issued by the store) and a manufacturers coupon (issued by the maker) on one product.

2 boxes of Captain Crunch total cost $3.74. On BOGO but not the greatest deal as I only had one lonely coupon . I sucked it up and bought it though; it’s Tessa’s favorite cereal and she can’t eat the cinnamon toast crunch.

2 boxes Quaker Grits total cost $1.49. On BOGO and I had a $1 off of 2 boxes coupon

10 boxes green giant frozen veggies Oh the horror! Frozen instead of fresh *faints* total cost $4.50 These are 10 for $10. I found in my stash a $ .50 off 1 coupon and I printed 5 $1 off of 2 coupons from target.com These could have been FREE if I had more of the $ .50 off coupons *grumbles*

1 Gaint Loaf Sunbeam Bread - free. Won a free product coupon from an instant win sweep.

1 package Tyson breaded chicken breast paddies - I paid $2.99. These are normally $6.50 but were on sale for $4.99. I also had a Food Lyon printable coupon for $2 off that my Publix honored

By the time all my coupons were scanned, I no longer felt the urge to spin around and scream I AM TUBBY BECAUSE I HAD A BABY FOUR MONTHS AGO nor did I feel like stabbing her in the eye with the signature pad stylus anymore. I just felt giddy. My bill came too $309.28. After all the sales and coupons ran through, my total was $178.25. I saved $131.03 the savings definitely softened the blow of a $15 brisket and $8 bottle of honey. Oh, and let’s not forget vanilla extract. That stuff is frighteningly expensive, especially considering the quantity we blow through.

Ive got a case of the Mondays and unfortunately there will be 2 this week. My kids have tomorrow off of school and then back again on Wednesday. Due to this rampant Mondays bs I will only be bestowing a bulleted post upon you all today - the hoard of random crap I think is worthy of sharing but am too tired / apathetic to spin into a yarn for you all.

**The Hubster was driving around town last week when he discovered a slew of Deer Xing signs. Someone drove down this well wooded road and methodically drew penises (peni? peen? peneenee?) on all the deer. I was hoping it was the well wooded road not far from my house so I could bring you gratuitous camera shots but alas, it’s not nearby and I’m not up for the effort. I need to teach Hubs how to use his camera phone.

**Also from The Hubster, a creepy cemetery has been discovered. Apparently it’s a huge mismosh of unbelievable old graves intermingled with new ones. There is a very old section called “Baby Land” and an even creepier section half into a now wooded area with graves from early 1800s (and maybe earlier but The Hubster declined to further investigate). I would like to visit and take pictures but I can’t even sit through a cheesy horror flick, who wants to bet I piss my pants right there in Baby Land?

**Anyone know anything about lip hives?

I used to randomly get these as a kid. they would usually swell up so big that my skin would burst and an alien would jump out blood would spray all over. It hasn’t happened in years so when it started today it took me by surprise. I called my mom and found out that my little sister has been battling the same weird thing. After I popped some benedryl it rapidly reduced in swelling but the area has felt tingly and tight ever since. The benedryl is starting to wear off and now it feels like one is starting on my bottom lip. I can’t figure if it’s environmental (i have crazy grass and tree allergies) or food related (lately Ive been indulging in foods I’ve not eaten for a few months). Thoughts? Commiserations?

**My diet has once again expended. Bo is now taking Zantac and Mama is now eating half assed normally. The Zantac is helping a lot. The boy slept in his own bed last night 9pm-12:30am and then 12:45am- 5am. That is utterly unheard of. Of course, I could not enjoy it. Instead, I woke up every 45 minutes to check that he was still breathing.

He’s teething and needs the ego boost.

Ridiculously cute eh? Is that why none of you warned me about how much these things crap?

oh and don’t even ask about the title, my cursor bugged out on me and and left us with crap, lots and lots of chicken crap… uh I mean gibberish, lots of tasty headline gibberish.

I’m lucky I noticed before he paraded his naked butt through his sister’s school thereby inflicting humiliation so powerful it will haunt her right up until college~ ” I’m sorry Tessa but we can’t invite you into the sisterhood. I mean your brother showed up naked to your school. If we let you in our sorority he might show up in assless chaps” Damn sorority girls. You see, my darling little Levi decided to shed his diaper somewhere between the doctors office and Tessa’s school. Crossing my fingers that it was AFTER we left the doctor’s office. I mean they were all impressed over my weight loss - they fawned people FAWNED over me, which made me feel stellar. I’d hate to think they are all crowded at the receptionist desk going “Wow, she’s lost a ton of weight but damn she’s a shitty mum. Her kid’s walking around with his bum to the breeze and she hasn’t even noticed” Of course, I am even luckier that I was too lazy to bring the package of diapers I bought last week into our house. After mopping up Tess’s epic pee accident yesterday (who says you can’t ignore the need to pee and just keep on painting. I can just sit here and squeeze real tight and um, oh no, um moooooooooommm!), I am not in the market to clean up car seat cakes