AWWWWW!

It’s a damn good thing that Levi is so cute. He was partially responsible for my mini heart attack and sudden explosion of gray hair Thursday night. I bet you want to hear all about that!! We’ll let me take you back *****

Thursday evening, the girls have been tucked in, Boden is sleeping and Levi is in the master bedroom with The Hubster getting ready for bed. I sit down and start slogging through my email *delete, delete, delete* when I stumble across a freaky deaky string of comments waiting for approval. They were sent through a proxy server so I know it’s someone trying to irritate me. I start moving them to the file fold I keep with any and all freaky, threatening or over the top weird communications I receive as a result of this here blog. the phone starts ringing and a glance at the caller ID tells me it’s my city’s police department.

Hello?

Hello there, this is *my city’s* police, we just received a 911 hang up call from your home. Is everything ok ma’am?

*cue creepy music*

um, that’s not possible. There is no emergency here

can you confirm your phone number ma’am?

*says number*

yes ma’am *repeats number* just logged a hang up call to our 911 system. Are you located at *says addy*

um, yes

Mrs Fidget, are you in the house alone?

*me flashes back to a novel I read in my youth and begins to panic and sweat*

My husband and children are home but the children are in bed sir

Can you please check on them for me?

TROOOOY!!!!!

uh yeah.. Levi had the phone and dialed 911111224411711

They had to send an officer out to make sure there is no emergency. After the police left I told The Hubster that we should have offered them cake because once Levi figures out the 911 trick I bet he’ll be calling them all.the.time. just to see their cool cars pull up in front of the house. Maybe if they think we have cake, they won’t be so pissed. Of course, we could always distract them from the issue at hand by flashing our cute baby at them

Firstively I have proof of my bangliness.

WOOO! Hawt mama! I think my next move will be to get them Betty Page’d. RRRRrrrrrrow~ !

Seconditively, I am 3/4 a way through a glass of wine (1st drink in a year) so this may be riddled with typos and tend to ramble off on weird tangents… I mean worse then usual.

Thirditively, there was a mishap with the fabulous hair of the Fidget clan men. As I well know, hair mishaps happen but to suffer a duel blow and have paid for it? HEINOUS! FOUL! And tear inducing. My boy, the sunshine of my life, the one with the great hair

now looks like an Army recruit.

We had no choice but to buzz him. Really, it’s true. When we got home from the hair cutters butchers this is how my poor lil guy looked

It’s all lumpy, bumpy, chunky and just plain wrong!

I MIGHT have blamed it on a wiggly toddler except the same chick totally butchered The Hubster too! His hair is sticking up funny and one of his ears is totally white walled *shakes head in sorrow*

With every passing moment I was growing more and more irate. The hair choppers was now closed so I couldn’t even vent my rage on them and instead gave The Hubster permission to do something I’ve always denied him the pleasure of doing - shaving Levi’s head.

Thoroughly delighted with finally having obtained permission, The Hubster set to work

Of course, he was totally lacking the proper shearing implement and instead tried completing his task using the cooter cutters. Now this thing may do a stunning job on my crotch carpet, but the quality on head hair is just not there.

no matter how hard you try

Stunning

so I ended up at Target (for the 5th time this week) buying a hair shaving kit. When I got home Levi had an angry monkey flip out. I personally think it was because The Hubster was in the tequila while i was gone and Levi feared for his ears

(OMG Mom, Dad’s been in the sauce while you were out, don’t let him near me with clippers! My ears, dear god, think of my ears!)

Despite the margaritas.. or maybe because of? Things proceeded nicely

Of course right around this point

when I noticed my chubby cheeked little baby was being sheared into a little man, I hit the Pinot Grigio (sometimes mommy needs a little help coping).

But in the end, about $50 and 8 hours after the first lock of hair fell over at Not SO Great Clips, things turned out ok

that is if ok means mommy bursts into tears every time she looks at her bald headed boy.

Yesterday some friends stopped by for a play date. As we sat around my dining room table snarfing gluten free yellow cake with banana frosting and sprinkles (what? it’s practically on my TED diet. I made the damn thing with almond milk and besides, how could I possible let someone’s birthday slide by in a joyless sprinkle free state?), we got to talking about the fact that our friends are vegetarian. Looking to keep it simple I explained that they don’t eat meat, but then my friend’s daughter pipped up with “or marshmallows, we can’t eat those either.”

Mira sat silent for a moment and then asked “Is it because marshmallows are made out of cats?”

People often comment on the size of my family, something I find rather laughable as I only have 4 kids- around here, though, that’s a big ol’ mess of youngins’. “Wow, are they all yours?” “Don’t you know what causes that yet?” “You must have your hands full” and my favorite “Why?!?!”

This is why

In the near future, there will come a day when I don’t have to take the trash out anymore. It’s good to start training them young so that day comes much quicker.

and I’m still perplexed…

My son ate deodorant.

No, you’re not nuts (well maybe you are but you aren’t imagining what you just read- he ATE antiperspirant) Why? I know not. What I do know is that as I stepped out of the shower I spotted Levi chomping on something. Upon closer inspection it was white and schmeared all over his face… and smelled remarkable clean. On the ground behind his feet was my deodorant minus one large half moon of product. I gagged a bit and then jammed my fingers into his mouth, sweeping the wet crumbs out and getting bitten in the process. My life saving efforts were met with much disapproval from the young prince who apparently finds Degree pure clean antiperspirant thoroughly delicious. He even stomped his foot and threw himself to the ground when I picked up the container and tossed it into the trash. MMMMMM armpit-alicious. Kids are weird

Such a hard lesson to teach a child, one I have avoided teaching my kids thus far because frankly at these tender ages (you know from birth till death) I always want the truth… or at least I THOUGHT I always wanted the truth. I’m starting to rethink my position on that.

Mira just rode by me on the indoor trike and said:

“Mama, you look BIG today!”

*She glances my way and sees a look of horror*

“I mean to me, Mama, you just look REALLY REALLY BIG today… to me.. when I see you..”

Ouch.

only 150 more days of sweltering heat. Let me just say, I am SO GLAD that I’m not pregnant all the way to my due date (June 29th). I think I would have died from heat exhaustion

I’ve been pretty quiet around here because I’ve been feeling, um let’s just say a little uncomfortable and can’t manage to come up with a creative and entertaining way to bitch about it every day. Today I saw exactly why it feels like my spine is about to be pulled through my belly button:

this kid is totally hanging off the front of me.

~*~**~*~**~

This week has been, uh, we’ll say interesting. Tessa flushed a tube of tooth paste down the toilet which resulted in a 2 day long toilet project, much cursing, and mass confusion. Tom’s of Maine’s kids tooth paste comes in a metal tube which when 1/2 empty is somewhat flexible with ridged corners so when it is flushed, it gets wedged in the S bend but yields and bends away from any type of retrieval tool one might fashion. This led to language not suitable for print. It was 230 am before the tooth paste was finally dislodged. Tessa celebrated the next day by saturating a tile sponge in the dog water and flinging it all over my dinning room resulting in a puddle rivaling the size of Lake Erie. She also managed to nail my walls which looked like they’d been slimed Ghost Busters style.

no one panic. I’m still pregnant. I’m just grouchy, tired and overwhelmed.

Levi finally got a proper haircut- no I did not do it