***Warning if talk of bathroom matters offends you at all, you should skip this post and just click straight over to oo and ahh at pictures of Levi***

Dear Tessa,

Do you remember when we went to the fair and the ride operator would ask you to remain seated until the ride came to a full and complete stop? I need you to apply this to the toilet. I am quite tired of mopping up pee floods because you hopped up mid stream. I am grossed out by scrubbing errant soft serve from the seat and sides of the toilet because you could not sit still until you were absolutely positive that you were done and the contraction of your abdominal muscles as you vaulted from the toilet was just the thing that straggler turd needed to break free and explode out into the world.

much love,

Mama

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Dear Levi,

I know how satisfying the sounds of velcro ripping is. For someone as tiny as you, it’s the sounds of accomplishment but that sound recently has brought me to my knees. I have found myself scrubbing the floor of nearly every room you’ve occupied over the last week as your trick dejour is “the disappearing diaper!” If you are hanging out only in your diaper I can expect the diaper to be whipped of your bum in a a flash but recently you’ve started fishing around in your onesie and then pulling your diaper out the leg hole like it’s one of those magic scarves that just APPEARS! and seems miles long. You were particularly gleeful when you pulled this trick in the grocery store the other day. I, on the other hand, while momentarily amused, was horrified when you peed all over the inside of our car while I tried to rediaper you. Let’s just keep the diapie on mmm kay son? Thanks.

much love,

Mama

and for those of you that braved these letters you should still click here to see pictures of Levi. He’s trying out some adorable wittle bittle mister man shoes, totally squeal-worthy.

Dear random woman at the supermarket,

You’re not fooling anyone. No, really. Just because you are wearing “gym clothes” doesn’t mean you’ve earned the benefit of a work out. Some might argue that gym clothes are more comfortable but in this case I beg to differ.

I actually cringed when I saw your workout top digging into your flesh. It appeared as though you greased yourself up with spray butter before wrestling yourself into this top. It also appear that you would need to be cut out of it. How is that comfortable? How? And how could you ignore the breeze playing across your back fat breasts which were mightily enhanced by this top?

Your pants looked comfortable enough. Sure the waist band was digging into you too, but it was much less painful looking then the sports top. Of course there was one glaring defect in these pants which further confirmed their gym incompatibility- they were about 6 inches too long. You, my dear, were no tiny lady so it’s not that you could not find pants the right length. I actually envied your pants a bit, you see, it’s nearly impossible to find pants with my inseam and yours looked like they would fit me perfectly.

To solve this pants cuff conundrum you placed tiny kitten heels on your Betty Rubble feet. It’s been awhile since we’ve had a gym membership but I can not remember ever witnessing someone sashaying along on the elliptical in kitten heels.

My letter is not to attack you, though it may seem that really I just dug my claws into your fleshy back boobs. My letter is more meant to encourage you. Embrace who you are. Just because you can still squeeze yourself into a size 10 doesn’t mean you should keep buying 10s, you should embrace your body. Dress your size. While that sausage casing of a top may have been a medium, it made you look extra large. A size large would have been more complimentary to your figure, and chances are no one would have even guessed you were wearing a large! Of course, I can not condone nor encourage the wearing of kitten heels with workout clothes.. it’s just plain sick and wrong. Who do you think you are? Peggy Bundy?