Finding Yourself Despite Yourself » vagina talk

Awe look a baby (and some TMI)

fidget — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 03:05:56 +0000

If you aren’t into reading a-whole-lotta beaver focused TMI, just admire this lovely picture of Saffi at 23 days old

The rest of you curious and brave souls can go ahead and click through

The other day, I read this absolutely cringe-worthy story on MomLogic

One night, I took a look down there, and it was like my insides were on the outside and they were coming out. I knew I couldn’t put this off any longer. I went to my doctor and said, “My vagina is falling out of my body!”

I was referred to a pelvic floor specialist. She took a look and said, “Holy crap — your vagina is falling out of your body, and it’s dragging your bladder and your rectum along with it!”

*Squeezes thighs together and prays*

After foaming at the mouth with fear, blacking out and eventually coming to, I decided that steps must be taken to avoid this EVER happening to me- she only had two kids, I have FIVE and a crappy track record when it comes to my parts staying where they should.

First, I thought about getting a book with some simple exercises to, uh, help the situation but after further reading, I determined that more, uh, help might be needed. My OB/GYN office offers scripts for some apparatus (not covered by insurance) which is around $300. PASS. So, I did some more Googling and ended up ordering this crazy apparatus that might end up pinching my inner girl parts but in a few months I’ll be able to use my lady clam to crack walnuts, dammit.. But of course, not before I consulted Twitter about whether I wanted BenWa Balls
or the vajayjay vice grips, which inevitably lead to wholly inappropriate comments on my part- Oh Hai Worldz, that’s forever Google-able now. And, since that is forever out there in cyberspace, for some most likely sleep deprivation driven reason, I’m telling you all about my harebrained plan to ensure that my woman parts remain where they belong and apparently this lovely apparatus, if properly used, will keep me from pissing myself too because at any point after having children, even the strongest among us know, that sometimes a sneeze is NOT just a sneeze.

Announcing our early arrival

fidget — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:41:37 +0000

Saffi Ann arrived 6 weeks early on 10/16/09 at 7:04pm after more then 25 hours of labor, 19 of which was augmented with pitocin. She weighed in at 5 lbs 7oz and is 20 inches long.

(click to see more pics)

Desperately wanting

fidget — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 18:24:59 +0000

I can’t find underwear ANYWHERE. The underwear gods are against me. I tried several stores looking for the maternity variety but I have ZERO desire to shimmy my ever widening hind quarters into a maternity thong thus leaving me underwearless.

Motherhood only had size small bikinis in stock and these days, I would be SHOCKED if I could get a small around my ankle. Old Navy has made the horrible horrible decision to move the majority of the maternity and plus size stock to online ONLY, leaving me bare butted. Sears maternity unders only cover a half a cheek- well you get the idea.

Today I went over to Avenue, hell bent on getting my paws on some panties. I figured if I went up 1 size to an 18/20 I should be able to stand wearing their string bikini style (an aside, elastic touching my belly makes me feel all HULK SMASH so only string bikini will do).

When I arrived, I found them still closed so me and the boys wandered over to Ross where I proceeded to torture myself by trying on tiny maternity clothing and panicking over whether or not I’d be able to pry myself back out. At one point an XL dress was so firmly stuck over my boobs that I contemplated using the nail clippers hanging on my keys to cut myself out.

About 15 minutes after they opened, we found our way back and I ransacked the underwear table. I found every size except 18/20.

“Excuse me, is that all the underwear you have in stock?”

“yes ma’am (picture me cringing), what are you looking for?”

“Size 18/20 string bikini, it must be string style or I will SMASH things”

“Oh no! I just sold about 20 pairs of 18/20 strings about 10 minutes ago…”

“Son of a….”

Stroller folding hell

fidget — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 21:40:07 +0000

I have this really awesome stroller that I won. It rides smoothly, looks sleek and even has an adjustable height handle which I totally adore. Yeah, it could use more basket space but that’s really the only complaint Ive got about the thing. My second favorite part (i say second favorite because the adjustable handle truly rules my Amazonian world)? I love how easily this thing collapses. You can even fold it down with a baby on your hip! Well, if you REMEMBER how to fold it down.

You see, while I LOVE this stroller, I usually am rocking the double stroller so it’s sometimes weeks before I bust the Mutsy back out. Yesterday I had an appointment with only Boden in tow. Things went swimmingly until it was time to leave and then I could not remember how to fold the damn thing down.

After several phone calls, beastly screams and a failed attempt at tying it to my bumper, Jenni found an online animation on how to collapse it and helped a hapless gal out. Of course, this was not before my skirt blew up over my head and a crowd of onlookers gathered to gawk

*yes, I was wearing granny panties and yes, I may have quite possibly maybe sort of over airbrushed my thighs*

**and yes, I totally need an eyebrow wax**

Naughty by nature

fidget — Mon, 09 Mar 2009 04:43:11 +0000

(Ring)

Hello?

Hey Babe, what’s up?

Eh, not to much. It’s been a 14 egg day, your children are acting like spawns of Satan and Pepe keeps escaping the brooder. How about you?

I’m thinkin bout you

Thinkin bout me, huh?

Yep, thinking about you (I can practically hear his eyebrows waggling lasciviously)

Are you working by the vagina tree again?

BUSTED

All about beavers

fidget — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:34:06 +0000

Where are this kid’s frickin teeth?

Not that I’m looking forward to my nipples being used like a beaver’s chew toy or anything. Speaking of beavers (I now crown thee queen of the transitions!)…

Adult situations (ahem) in the click through

Over at Attack of the Redneck Mommy, Tanis shared a recent encounter with some heinous love lube, thus inspiring me to tell the sordid tale of “Good Head” (oh I can just see the google hits now).

The year was 2000 and The Hubster & I lived in a 2 bedroom 1 bath apartment rented for dirt cheap from a sort of kind of in a convoluted way family member. Our youthful exuberance led us to the local giant naughtiness warehouse where upon we encountered gallons of liquid fun time assistance.

the array was dizzying and the names, oh my! The names were, uhh, descriptive. Discombobulated by the sheer volume of “pleasure honey” we were going to leave empty handed but then spied something called “Good head” which made us titter, then giggle, then fall over laughing. Of course we bought it.

And there my friends is where this story takes a very bad turn.

It was not long after arriving home that I clawed the package open and set to, uhh, work.

Oh babe, that feels so good. MMMMM yeah…. uh.. uh.. babe?

(ignores him)

uh.. um ow. babe..

(still not listening)

STOP!

What?

Did you brush your teeth or something?

Earlier today

My wanger is burning

yes, with warm throbbing lust right?

No like my wanger is on FIRE, fuck!

(points and laughs) Hahahahaa you are such a wuss, come here, let me cool it down for you

Hell no!

(flops over laughing hysterically) BWHAHAHAHAHAHA what a wimp! It’s just some friggin lube

Oh yeah?

and with a grand florish he wiped a stripe of good head across my soft parts.

Whatever dude, it’s not that ba-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDD OH MY FUCK MY CROTCH IS ON FIRE!

picture, if you will, 2 full grown naked adults punching, pushing and shoving to be the first through the doorway to get into that one lonely bathroom and then in ultimate fighting championship style, battling each other for the coveted position under the shower spray.

Eventually, we emerged from the bathroom, both still engorged below the belt, and waddled to the dumpster to rid our lives of Good Head. Thankfully none of our naughty bits fell off and The Hubster has been perfectly content with my mind blowingly fantastic but run of the mill head ever since.

I can’t think of a title that doesn’t include the word vagina & that makes me nervous next to that last cock post.

fidget — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 15:32:05 +0000

So, is there a hole in the vagina tree or is it just vagina looking?

(hesitates to reply, seeing where this night be going) UHH, there’s a hole

Dude, we totally need to take one of the baby dolls with us and shove it in the hole!

I’m not looking to get arrested, babe

For what? tree molestation?

I’m hoping he’s going to take me out there this weekend. I keep telling him that it would be a horrible injustice if the world did not get to bask in the glory that is the vagina tree. If nothing else, I think he might take me so I’ll stop saying vagina tree all.the.time.

In other vagina news, one of the people that came out of mine is fully mobile now:

ps today (friday) is the last day to enter my giveaway! and you can check out my review so you know that entering is 100% worth the 5 seconds it takes.

Growing boobs and making mice

fidget — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 06:59:48 +0000

The much anticipated chocolate mice tutorial

is FINALLY up over at Capessa

and in other news, my 6 year old is growing breasts *breathes deeply into a paper bag*

The Hubster and I were having a few torrid moments of naughty parent time when Mira starts beating on the door screaming “Open this door and I’ll tell you what’s wrong daddy!”

When “we’ll talk later” and “go away” proved ineffective, The Hubster covered his shame and cracked the door to shoot a menacing scowl at the hysterical child. Instead of being met with appropriate slinking away, the girl then yells “MY FREAKIN LUNGS ARE HURTING!” gasp gasp “I’m going to die!” gasp gasp.

Pants were found and discussions were had. The conclusion? It’s not her lungs, it’s her chest. She’s having growing pains, boob growing pains. My baby is growing boobs.

I don’t remember getting such pains till well after 7 but I guess things happen earlier these days. Especially since we allow our children to suckle on artificial growth hormones.

When I explained what was happening she was not perplexed, confused or dismayed (aka the rainbow of emotions I went through when I found out that *I* was going to grow boobs), no the dear child jumped for joy (then shrieked in pain from the growing of the boobs). After we finished our little girls session up, she danced out of the room to go lord her eventual boobs to be over her sister, who at 5 is already pining for a rack of her own too (who’s children ARE these? Not mine I tell ya. I was horrified by boobs at their ages)

At this point, The Hubster turned to me and said “I am not ready to have daughters with boobs. There are guns to buy and attack dogs yet to train.”

If me and my sister are any indication of my daughters’ fate, we also need to start saving for breast reduction surgery. In the mean time, I’ll be praying that the big boob thing continues it’s time honored tradition of skipping a generation, sparing my girls the back strain and The Hubster a few heart attacks.

I feel lost

fidget — Sat, 22 Nov 2008 15:06:46 +0000

I can’t find any of the camera batteries I bought and thus have been cameraless. I feel adrift in a sea of hilarity with no way to document! Where the heck are my batteries? What’s that Saint Anthony prayer again? I’ve been looking for a week now and unless Levi ate them package and all, they must be around here somewhere.

Cooter Kryptonite

fidget — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 22:38:18 +0000

So The Hubster is peeing in our bathroom the other day (you know it’s a quality story when it begins with bathroom activities), and I hear him calling to me.

“Um, honey?”

(hollers) “yeah? What do you want?”

“Um, there’s this thing in the bathroom”

“what thing?”

“this rather large thing…”

“what thing?”

“This thing.. it’s weird… and BIG”

“WHAT thing? Be more specific. What does it look like?”

“Uh, it looks like some type of GIANT female applicator”

That is so not a vagina accessory. Ok, I’ll admit it looks like some kind of mega ultra super kryptonite laden yeast infection medication applicator but what practical purpose would that serve? It’s actually one of those new Scrubbing Bubbles thingies. It doesn’t really clean the bowl as advertised but it does an excellent job of masking rancid pee odor which is an essential function for those of us who have small children that like to exit the ride before it’s over. I found a coupon for it so you too can confuse your husband

**this was not a paid ad, just a vignette of our inane life**