AWWWWW!

It’s a damn good thing that Levi is so cute. He was partially responsible for my mini heart attack and sudden explosion of gray hair Thursday night. I bet you want to hear all about that!! We’ll let me take you back *****

Thursday evening, the girls have been tucked in, Boden is sleeping and Levi is in the master bedroom with The Hubster getting ready for bed. I sit down and start slogging through my email *delete, delete, delete* when I stumble across a freaky deaky string of comments waiting for approval. They were sent through a proxy server so I know it’s someone trying to irritate me. I start moving them to the file fold I keep with any and all freaky, threatening or over the top weird communications I receive as a result of this here blog. the phone starts ringing and a glance at the caller ID tells me it’s my city’s police department.

Hello?

Hello there, this is *my city’s* police, we just received a 911 hang up call from your home. Is everything ok ma’am?

*cue creepy music*

um, that’s not possible. There is no emergency here

can you confirm your phone number ma’am?

*says number*

yes ma’am *repeats number* just logged a hang up call to our 911 system. Are you located at *says addy*

um, yes

Mrs Fidget, are you in the house alone?

*me flashes back to a novel I read in my youth and begins to panic and sweat*

My husband and children are home but the children are in bed sir

Can you please check on them for me?

TROOOOY!!!!!

uh yeah.. Levi had the phone and dialed 911111224411711

They had to send an officer out to make sure there is no emergency. After the police left I told The Hubster that we should have offered them cake because once Levi figures out the 911 trick I bet he’ll be calling them all.the.time. just to see their cool cars pull up in front of the house. Maybe if they think we have cake, they won’t be so pissed. Of course, we could always distract them from the issue at hand by flashing our cute baby at them

We miss you.

It’s not PPD (postpartum depression); I had that after Mira and it was BAD but much different then this. What I’m battling now is a total body flip out. You male readers out there may want to avert your eyes and click elsewhere. I’m about to talk about my girl parts in detail.

no.. really.. guys, I’m warning you. After this it’s a bunch of vag talk.

(more…)

WOOO! Hawt mama! I think my next move will be to get them Betty Page’d. RRRRrrrrrrow~ !

Seconditively, I am 3/4 a way through a glass of wine (1st drink in a year) so this may be riddled with typos and tend to ramble off on weird tangents… I mean worse then usual.

Thirditively, there was a mishap with the fabulous hair of the Fidget clan men. As I well know, hair mishaps happen but to suffer a duel blow and have paid for it? HEINOUS! FOUL! And tear inducing. My boy, the sunshine of my life, the one with the great hair

now looks like an Army recruit.

We had no choice but to buzz him. Really, it’s true. When we got home from the hair cutters butchers this is how my poor lil guy looked

It’s all lumpy, bumpy, chunky and just plain wrong!

I MIGHT have blamed it on a wiggly toddler except the same chick totally butchered The Hubster too! His hair is sticking up funny and one of his ears is totally white walled *shakes head in sorrow*

With every passing moment I was growing more and more irate. The hair choppers was now closed so I couldn’t even vent my rage on them and instead gave The Hubster permission to do something I’ve always denied him the pleasure of doing - shaving Levi’s head.

Thoroughly delighted with finally having obtained permission, The Hubster set to work

Of course, he was totally lacking the proper shearing implement and instead tried completing his task using the cooter cutters. Now this thing may do a stunning job on my crotch carpet, but the quality on head hair is just not there.

no matter how hard you try

Stunning

so I ended up at Target (for the 5th time this week) buying a hair shaving kit. When I got home Levi had an angry monkey flip out. I personally think it was because The Hubster was in the tequila while i was gone and Levi feared for his ears

(OMG Mom, Dad’s been in the sauce while you were out, don’t let him near me with clippers! My ears, dear god, think of my ears!)

Despite the margaritas.. or maybe because of? Things proceeded nicely

Of course right around this point

when I noticed my chubby cheeked little baby was being sheared into a little man, I hit the Pinot Grigio (sometimes mommy needs a little help coping).

But in the end, about $50 and 8 hours after the first lock of hair fell over at Not SO Great Clips, things turned out ok

that is if ok means mommy bursts into tears every time she looks at her bald headed boy.

A few days ago, Levi dropped off the stinky motherload. Having already wrangled that twice in the previous 5 hours, I passed it off on The Hubster. Poor poor Hubster. I’m not exactly sure how it happened but in the end he and Levi BOTH needed a bath and I, in my typical sympathetic spouse and mother fashion, laughed heartily and pointed at them. Karma is a bastard though and nailed me just a few minutes later.

I sat down here at my computer, with Bo balancing in my lap. He was wiggling around as usual when he decided to grunt on out- ON MY LEG. It shot out of his diaper and ran down my leg, puddling on the floor. I called The Hubster for help and as I stood there waving Bo over my body to keep the poop from further hitting the floor, The Hubster was swabbing up what had already splatted. After a quick parent huddle (ok more like we were yelling at each other over what way would make the least mess while the girls danced around us chanting “Bo pooped Bo pooped!”) we decided the best move was for Bo and I to hit the showers. As I walked through the kitchen I could hear barely the phone ringing above the swirling chaos. The Hubster yells - DONT ANSWER IT! just as I use my one poop free finger to hit the TALK button. One would expect a poop covered chaos bogged mother to snarl, growl or yell “WHAT DO YOU FRICKIN WANT?” but no, I’m no rookie. I answered that phone pleasant as pie “Fidget residence how may I help you?”

Pardon me while I get a bit misty eyed and sappy on you

All my babies

have worn this outfit

Amazingly, it’s one of the precious few items that survived the great baby clothes wipe out without a spot, stain or mold spore. There were a few other things I held on to for sentimental purposes but most are covered in yellow mystery stains and speckled with mold spots. If you look in the corner of this photo, you can tell that Levi is wearing it too

For some reason, this silly little thing, makes my heart sing

Mira sat silent for a moment and then asked “Is it because marshmallows are made out of cats?”

I present my perfectly delicious, fabulously evil BOGO cookies

mm they look so good I think I need another angle of tastiness

I cheated in my TED diet with these puppies (wasn’t the best idea as the jam made Bo screamy but let me tell you, it was entirely worth it)

The base recipe was one I used “back in the day” and completely forgot about. Gluten Free Girl reminded me of their existence and they’ve been a regular in the rotation ever since.

The original recipe reads like this

1 c creamy peanut butter
1 c white sugar
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 egg

but due to the numerous holes in my brain (I’m fairly certain that each of my babies have found a way to suck my brain out through the umbilical cord), this is what I did

1 c creamy peanut butter
1 c white sugar
1/2 teaspoon Tablespoon baking powder
1 egg

A serendipitous error as the texture was perfect for my plans.

Preheat your oven to 350. Line a cookie sheet with parchment paper. In a medium bowl mix all ingredients by hand (trust me, this is not kitchen aid mixer time. If you do that, you’ll be trying to pick the batter off your mixer for the next 2 years). Scoop up approximately 1 heaping teaspoon of batter and roll it into a ball. Place on cookie sheet. repeat until sheet is full. I was able to cook 4 rows of 3 on mine. pop into the oven for about 10 -12 minutes depending on your desired crunchiness level. When time is up, pull em out and allow to cool on the cookie sheet for a minute or so. Then using your thumb, make a divet (divit? my spellchecker wants to make it divest..) in the center of each cookie. Let the cookies set on the sheet another 3-5 minutes. Then grab up that BOGO jam. I blopped a big ole scoop out into a bowl and mixed it till it was less jar shaped and more puddle of mush. I chose to use blackberry jam but you could do anything from apple to raspberry to booger. I filled each cookie crater with jam and let them finish cooling. Just repeat the process until you get friggin tired of dealing with the oven. Once bored and distracted, roll tablespoon size balls of dough and bake them a little longer. You can give these the jam treatment too or just leave them as it. Next you politely offer cookies to your family and or friends and while they are eating the few crumbs you offered to them, you hoard the rest of the cookies for your later enjoyment. I doubled the recipe so there was much hoarding and secret snacking. MUAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA

This is why

In the near future, there will come a day when I don’t have to take the trash out anymore. It’s good to start training them young so that day comes much quicker.