Finding Yourself Despite Yourself

I’m blogging just to tell you I’m not blogging this week, thereby rendering this blog post completely incorrect and useless.

We spent our 10 yr anniversary and Valentines day barfing- to the point that I nearly blacked out. I’m pretty sure I felt my stomach turn inside out and smack me in the uvula. So now I’m wiped out but I can’t be, no no I can’t. This coming weekend The Hubs and I have some work banquet thingy to attend. I’m nervous and kind of pissy about the whole deal for several reasons

* The money to get all dressed up could better serve my sanity if I funneled it directly into my camera fund

* Leaving Saffi for an undetermined period of hours and praying she doesn’t scream the whole time and that my boobs don’t explode while pretending to eat my black tie meal

*Having to pretend to eat- god knows if anything will be gluten free. I don’t want to call any unfavorable attention to my husband so I’ll be quietly pushing my food around my plate for several courses.

*My hair. It’s bad. It’s so bad that I do not want to take a picture of it and post it here. Considering that I’ve posted a nearly naked picture of my bloated flabby post baby body, you know it has to be REALLY bad.

Honestly, I’ve cried about it more then once. Admittedly it doesn’t look horrifying when it’s straightened but it took Jenni 40 minutes with her Chi to make it look like I cunt punched Joan Jett and snatched her hair. I don’t own a Chi nor do I possess the time to straighten my hair every day even IF I owned such a device. Let’s not even get into the fact that the texture of my hair is ruined and that once this banquet is over, I may have to shave my head and start all over again since I dont know if I could find a stylist I’d trust to touch my head without me hyperventilating and possibly accidentally on purpose stabbing said stylist in a blind panic. Yes, this haircut is precisely that horrible and traumatic..

There are like 12 more bullet points to cover about why this event is not at the top of my sunshine list but Ive broken out into a cold sweat over the hair situation and the keys are slippery. I think I’m going to go back to the corner, put a bag over my head and rock myself until next week.